SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
Thanks in advance for all the support. Not sure how to start but I’ve been married for 16 years, with 2 boys 11 &14. Things in our marriage have been tough - husbands parents have both died in last 5 years, he keeps losing his job and has been very angry due to horrible upbringing.
I discovered £30k of debt about 2 years ago which we ‘fixed’ with savings. Then a year later he’d taken another £10k loan which he is paying off. I’ve done credit checks etc so nothing else (yet 😩).
His mum died recently and I knew something was off so went snooping. He’s been viewing porn & the piece that makes me feel sick is he’s been emailing massage parlours/escorts. He confessed he’d been using massage parlours since dad’s death as we weren’t hugely sexually active and felt so miserable. I am in so much pain as can’t imagine life without my boys all the time & because of their ages they are gaining independence and only interested in football (which their dad plays/watches with them all the time). He is undoubtedly an awful husband but a good dad but feel like I’ve lost on every level. My kids, my home, my pension etc (I earn more than him and much better with money so have higher pension etc). It feels soooooo unjust that I can’t get to the point of asking him to leave as my self esteem has been trampled. Sorry for the long post. Looking for what helped you and where did you get your courage from. I’m so wounded I don’t see how to move forward. I’m SOOOO devastated for the kids - they are at difficult ages with one starting gcse and one starting secondary.
How do I be the mum they need and try and be happy when I’m drowning in the pain that the man I married has caused me & also inadvertently them also. Thankyou so much for your time and sorry that you are here on this site. Would be great to also hear some success stories of how you grew out of this horrendous experience. It’s such a lonely place to be so this forum is a godsend to make it a little less lonely Thankyou 🙏

There is no pain greater than finding out about infidelity in a marriage. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this but you are with the right Community for support and advice

The first piece of advice I would give is to find a good IC just for you. Do not start MC until you firmly believe you want to save the relationship.

Next, print out copies of all of your financials and put them in a safe place.

Is he remorseful? Is he begging for forgiveness? Has he apologized sincerely?

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:13 PM, Tuesday, August 12th]

So Sorry you had to find us. I only have a couple minutes ,but wanted to let you know you’ve been heard.

Please read in our healing library and read all the posts with bullseyes in the Just Found Out forum- you may have to go back a few pages to find them. Great information that will help you feel less alone.

Focus on you - your health, sleep, exercise, hydration, healthy food. If you are having trouble, see your doctor. Many of us needed a little help temporarily for the anxiety and sleep issues. Also get full panel of STD/STI testing and make sure he does too. Don’t have unprotected sex with him until you both are tested and you SEE his results. (Liars lie as it happens so insist on seeing his results).
Avoid alcohol and drugs- they will make things worse.

I echo finding IC (individual counseling) for you to help you process this. Is there anyone else IRL you can talk to? Someone who will support you no matter whether you D or R or ?? Sister, bestie, pastor, etc? It really helps to have someone to talk to.

Read up on the 180. .You can use that to help you detach from your WS while you are in shock and focus on you and your kids. It’s to help you and your brain not be consumed by him and the A.

See a lawyer. Not to D— you probably aren’t ready to make that type of decision yet. But to fully understand your rights and financial situation so you can feel less fear about the future and protect your assets for your and your kids. Knowledge is power, so get informed. You don’t need to tell him about this -this is just for you.

What is HE doing? How is he trying to fix himself and what he has done? Don’t listen to his words - watch his actions. They will take you if he is taking responsibility and trying to understand what he did and needs to do now vs just hoping you sweep it under the rug.

Also, times have been tough and that may explain his state of mind. That is NOT an excuse. He made choices and he willingly and knowingly made those choices. He is 100% for his choices.

Lastly, hang in there. You will get through this even though it hurts like nothing else and will take longer than anyone wants.
You are stronger than you know.
-BB

I am so sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. Read in the healing library and pinned posts. Lots of good info there. Do get tested for STD's. Take care of you the best you can. Eat well, and if you are struggling with food, try protein shakes. Get exercise even if its a good walk or jog with your children. You have been heard. You will get through this.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There's no justice with infidelity. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are other posts that are really good, and you can identify them by their bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of good information. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for emotionless infidelity that might have some insight for you.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be helpful. Your WH (wayward husband) should be in therapy to become a safe partner.

Your WH should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short and is a nice blueprint on what he can do to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. He has also committed financial infidelity, so he has a lot to work on.

I understand the self-esteem tanking because that happens to many of us. But really, he probably didn't care what the other person looked like. Plus, think of the beautiful stars that have been victims of infidelity: Halle Berry, Shakira, Jennifer Aniston, etc.

One of our members here is Chaos, and she is a BASGU - bad ass sparkly goddess unicorn. Buy and outfit or several that make you feel fabulous and wear them. Buy nice underwear that is sparkly, lacey or something that would help you to feel awesome and wear them. If you need your hair done, go get it done. Do what you need to do to become a BASGU and sparkle. You are the prize.

Thankyou for taking the time to reply, it helps to know people care.
We have two boys with big milestones ahead (GCSE’s & starting secondary). I work full time but can barely focus and he has started his own business so not earning anything !!!
I am not sure how it could be any harder.
I will visit the other posts, get IC and try to get through the days until I can feel something other than pain.
It’s sooo painful yet so avoidable - why would anyone treat the mother of their children this way? How do I ever get over these feelings of resentment when his actions have broken our marriage, will break kids heart, will possibly screw up their mental heath, will make kids life logistically and financially much harder. All because he couldn’t deal with his feelings/emotions in a healthy way.
I want to tell everyone about his escort/massage parlour habit but there’s so much shame and I can’t bear the kids to find out. I’m now scared that as he clearly has entitlement issues that I’m the only parent who can teach the boys about respect.
My friends told me once I always bought the sunshine with my energy but now he’s broken that so I only bring rainy depressing storm vibes !!!
Sorry for being so miserable - just hurting sooooo much and want this pain to end. Xx