SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

During the course of telling me about her affair my wife confirmed that the other man was bigger than me. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m average size but it’s always been a source of insecurity for me throughout our two decades together. I was the only person my wife has been with since we’ve been together since high school and she’s always assured me that I fit her like a glove and I filled her up. Because I also have access to her texts with him I’ve read their conversations where they’ve recapped their sex and there are phrases and things said that really hurt. The way she was with him, smirking, positions we’ve never done before, etc. it all just keeps weighing on me.

Right now I feel like I’ve been sexually assassinated.

I feel impotent because I’ve been made a cuckhold. How can she or another woman ever love me or want to be with me. I feel like garbage and I feel like I’m never going to be enough. I’m always going to have this thing in the back of my head that I’m not good enough sexually. I feel so empty. I don’t even know if I’d ever be able to believe her that I was enough for her if we figure out a way to reconcile. I feel so worthless.

The ol' self-esteem takes a hit. Part of your processing and healing is to work through this. Unfortunately, it takes years to heal from the betrayal. For me, it took along time before I could even dress/undress in front of my XWH.

When I was young and stupid, I was promiscuous. I had been with men bigger and smaller than XWH. With XWH before the A, sex was different because of the emotional connection. It didn't matter to me what size he was because the sex was an extension of our intimacy. Well, you know... until the A and then his second attempt which is when I noped out.

But the feelings of worthlessness are normal for us betrayeds. It's doing our own work to get to the other side. I worked on this in IC, and I did I AM affirmations every day for 3 months before I finally was able to realize that I wasn't worthless.

I feel you, hurtandbroken. I'm a year and a half into this, and have the exact same issues. "Sexually assassinated" is a great way to put it. I've always had similar insecurities, as do a lot of men I believe. I've done so much research on "normal" and "statistical averages" and all that since the affair that it's embarrassing. I've been a grown man measuring myself with a ruler and seamstress tape like and insecure 14 year old. It's embarrassing, and I'm only admitting it because you don't know me, there's a level of anonymity to this, and therefore I'll throw it all out there and let you know that if you find you're head all screwed up over this, you're not alone. And for my situation, WW had experienced other men prior to me, and I always kind of knew I wasn't the biggest baddest appendage she's ever had. I'm ever so slightly above average, right at the top side of the "normal/average" range. I had insecurity, but the thing is, it was never really that bad. She accepted me, we had a great sex life, and I knew I fit her well just like your WW is assuring you. I was a party to our sex life. I know it has been good. But after the affair... that's when all that insecurity came raging in. Me and her were good, but were him and her better? Was she secretly craving him after she had had him for years? Was she pretending to be satisfied with me now? And it was worse because, like you, I read some of the texts. She wanted him during the affair. She wasn't disinterested in sex with him and just going along because of the emotional goodies he gave her. The emotional goodies and connection to him manifested itself in my WW as a strong desire to have sex with him. And she was straight up that it was good and orgasmic, and that's to be expected. Sex feels good. It got so bad for me that I knew he had taken cellphone video of them having sex, and after I'd confronted him he had threatened to send it to me (they had a relapse resulting in a DDay 2 for me, and after that she told me about him threatening that and her begging him not to and letting him know in no uncertain terms that if he did that, she couldn't stop the psychosis I'd go into that may lead to me killing him). I got to where I wished he would, just so I'd know what the fuck I was up against. I needed to face the boogey man, because right now in my head he's this pornstar God and not even a human. Regardless, that's my story, and I empathize with you.

Now for what I've learned a year and a half into this. If WW says you fit her like a glove, and you know you're sex life is good, believe her. At least in that. You're a part of your sex life, and you know if she's enjoying you or not. There's lots of other ways to be a good lover as well, and at some point you just realize that all this envy of AP's size is more your ego than reflective of her wants and desires. Yeah, my WW wanted AP when she was in love with him. But she's been very real and honest about how bad he hurt her and how slow he had to go most of the time. And I believe her, because at certain times she's had to stop me from going as deep and hard as I'd like because of pain and hitting her cervix. It's not very deep my man, and I assure you, the odds are very high that you're plenty big enough. Women are absolutely not lying when they talk about it being the emotional connection that creates good sex. So who do I want to be better endowed for? It's not really her, it's my own pride. Be very good and generous with fingers and your mouth if that's in line with your comfort level and morals. Talk more during sex. Be expressive. WW's AP was huge, but also silent from what she's told me. And I can tell you that having seen her body react, words and getting inside her head during sex with my words and sounds is worth way more than an extra inch or two. Be passionate. Let her know how badly you want her sexually (all of this I'm saying assumes you guys get to a place of a healthy sex life and desire to reconcile, so just hold it in your back pocket if you're not there yet until you are with a woman you want to have a healthy sex life with). Learn, really learn, how to have sex in a way that's not just jackhammering at her but rather understands angles and tempo and rhythm and clitoral stimulation. I'm not trying to write a "how to" manual or act like I have everything figured out or am the world's best lover, I'm just trying to assure you that it's about more than "huge". In fact, I know for certain that being "huge" can have disadvantages too. Huge is usually much softer just based off the way the circulatory system works and what WW has told me and what I've done as far as research. So there's advantages and disadvantages either way, and the key is confidence no matter what. So try to play to your strengths, work on areas of weakness, and let that breed sexual confidence in yourself my man.

I hope you're able to get through this, whether you're marriage reconciles or not. You're not being silly. It's not trivial. It's a huge mindfuck and can be detrimental to a man. I get it. I hear you. It's an extremely valid issue and feeling that's oh so normal for so many men, especially after betrayal. So don't let anyone make you think you're being stupid or focusing on something that's trivial. But let that focus that's inevitably going to be there point you to your own strengths and make you a better, more confident lover. Once you start getting your mojo back, it does get somewhat better with time. It's always there, but I think that's the way it is with all this infidelity shit sandwich. But I'm also fairly certain it's a bigger issue in your mind than it is to the majority of women out there or even to your WW if you guys are able to reconcile and redevelop a healthy sex life. That emotional connection... they're not lying about that. Any woman your with is having sex with a man (you), not a penis. A penis is only one aspect of it. You're an entire package, and that involves lots of ways to physically please a woman, lots of ways to speak to her and act towards her and get inside her mind to make sex amazing and be a highly skilled lover. Best wishes my man.

Why the hell would your wife tell you this?!

@Bluer

It was the day I found I put. I just started asking her questions and she answered everything truthfully I guess.

My oldest friend is Chinese. He’s married to a Western women. It’s a good marriage. She adores him and well she might, he’s the kindest and most grounded and reliable man you are likely to meet. They have two happy kids. Our families are having dinner on a Monday night which I’m looking forward to because they live in another city now and are visiting.

Based on rather faint memories from childhood and generalizations about ethnicity, I expect he has a smaller penis than me. But I know he is a better husband and he is certainly a happier and more easygoing person. Honestly, if penis size matters to your spouse ( and it sounds like it doesn’t in your case) they are not the person for you. Asia seems to have been populating itself perfectly well for thousands of years.

I have a facebook friend...whom I have known since childhood.
He has a happy marriage, and has 8 kids.
He also has, as far as my personal knowledge dictates-----the smallest penis I have ever known.

Pornography--- for men, and women, has ruined us.

Women are absolutely not lying when they talk about it being the emotional connection that creates good sex.

AMEN!! Read just about any post concerning sex...from a BW on here...and it will be about this same thing...an emotional connection...or lack thereof.

Truth is affair sex is mostly the best sex. Lots of cheaters agree to this. There are lots of factors that make affair sex the hottest. There are many women who had their first orgasm during affair or had the highest number of orgasms during affair.

Let me tell you, even if you had the biggest dick in the world, you can not compete with affair sex. You just can't compete. Forbidden fruit, sneaking, foreplay for many days, associated risks, fear of getting caught, being bad, keeping secrets, the hide and seek game etc makes affairs extremely arousing. There are no inhibitions during affairs. There is little to no fear of judgement if you let your inner slut out. Letting inner slut out is very exhilarating and liberating experience. That itself is a very arousing feeling. Every sexual things cheaters say or do during affair are their attempts to become as slutty as possible to experience that level of arousal. Many times it has nothing to do with AP. Not all APs are like Brad pitt. In many cases, BS was handsome, young and fit whereas AP was ugly,old and unfit. The only thing they want from AP is emotional connection that makes them feel safer to explore their inner sluttines. Most affairs are about cheaters just letting themselves free in their sexual fantasy to get maximum pleasure through extreme arousal and multiple orgasms. It feels extremely liberating. Many cheaters confuse this liberating experience with empowerment. All of this has nothing to do with BS either.

I am not using the term 'SLUT' in a shameful manner. I am using it as an equivalent to 'sexual liberation'. We all have a slut in us. If my partner can be as slutty as she wants with me then she will enjoy sex with me to the level she craves. All I need to have is atleast an average dick size, deep emotional connection with her and some tricks to let her inner slut out. These will do the tricks. But, none of this will guarantee their faithfulness because that solely depends on their personality.

Your wife's AP is just a gaint dildo. That's it. Your dick cannot compete with that giant dildo but that's no reason to feel insecure because you are not just a dildo to her. You are more than that. You are a grown man with integrity and principles. He cannot compete with you on that and also when it comes to emotional bonding with your wife you are on another level. You see your wife as a human. You value her as a human. This she knows. For her AP she was just a hole to fill (sorry for crude language). He didn't value her as a human. I don't know if she knows this. If she knows then she is out of affair fog. If not then...you know.You have been her backbone since the day you married her. You have been her support in good days and bad days. You are a complete man for her. He is just a disposable dildo. She knows this too. I guarantee.

If you had to chose between following two as your permanent life partner who would you chose?

1. Best in sex

2. Average in sex.

I bet you would reply, "I want more info about them." Because your future is at stake here. Their sexual performance alone isn't enough to evaluate their worthiness as your partner. But, if you were looking for affair, then those two details about potential APs would be more than enough to ascertain their worth. You wouldn't go looking for very mature, very sensible, very principled, very respectful AP with strong integrity and ethics and the one who respects your boundaries. Because such people don't become APs and you know that. You will always end up with APs who are opposite to the desired candidates for a lifelong partnership. You are your wife's desired candidate for a lifelong partnership, and her AP is opposite to you. He should be the one feeling insecure about you and not the other way around.

If you look at many pornstars real life partners, then you will find that they are very average looking, average dick sized and financially average people. Even when these pornstars have access to the biggest dicks they chose these guys. I believe the reason is that most pornstars are emotionally unfulfilled people. Their partners give them emotional fulfillment, treat them with respect and also acknowledge their inner sluttines. This makes these partners more desirable than the one with biggest dicks.

It's better to be average in everything than best in few and none in others because everything matter.

Remember, she cheated even before she had the experience of sex with her big sized AP. She cheated even before she knew how his dick would feel inside her. Her betrayal has nothing to do with your size. Nothing.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 3:36 PM, Wednesday, July 5th]

Hurtandbroken - I know that what us strangers are saying to you won't change how you feel about yourself right now, because when we are betrayed it is a natural response to feel worthless and our self esteem plummets... But honestly I can assure you from a woman's point of view, size has barely anything to do with it at all!! There are so many other factors for a woman such as imagination/fantasy/build up - We are not like men at all. However us women do know that size matters to a man, so the only reason she would have complimented the guy on his size would have been purely for his benefit, she wouldn't have given a shit either way!

Hugs to you.. One day you will start to believe in yourself again & realise there is truly nothing wrong with you, just remember that xx

I am a BH and trust in what WWs say on this forum which is that it isn't about the sex. And them looking back on the A sex is cringeworthy and filled with no good feelings. Affairs are not about the sex. They are about someone being broken inside and choosing a toxic drug like an addict, to help their pain. But the pain is only worsened. I am in firm faith and like to remind myself that the greatest sex in life is with a committed, healthy partner who loves you and raises you to your highest life under the path of God. Sex is more than physical and I rebuke the lie that shameful and wicked sex in adultery is better than righteous sex in marriage. Point blank period.

Gently, your self-talk is the problem, and you are the solution.

IMO, the vast majority of us harbor voices that know us well, know how to hurt us the most, and use that knowledge to attack us viciously. When we're down, the voices take the opportunity to attack. The biggest guy in history would probably attack himself for being the wrong size if he were cheated on.

The cure starts with listening closely to and observing your wife. Does she say she enjoys sex with you? Does she enjoy sex with you? If the answers aren't 'yes' and 'yes', maybe you should split. If the answers are what you want, take them in. Accept them. Accept that there are probably better lovers than you out there, but also accept that you're good enough. There are so many men and women in the world that you've got to always keep in mind that there's probably someone better than you in everything you do - and if there isn't now, there was or will be. 'Good enough' is about the best you can count on.

Consider world records in sports. Athletes keep getting better - sometimes they make their bodies better, sometimes someone makes the equipment better, sometimes the rules change, but records fall again and again.

Consider human knowledge. We know a hell of a lot more than the ancients did. Today's great discovery is likely to be dwarfed by tomorrow's (assuming there is a tomorrow, which is more questionable now than ever, IMO).

So ... you change the feeling of being assassinated sexually by changing your self-talk. It's the only way that can work in this specific sphere.

*****

I have to disagree with the idea that A sex is the best sex. I've been M since 1967, and until the last few years, sex kept getting better, IMO. It was initially very exciting, but the satisfaction I got from sex grew as we got to know each other, and the satisfaction kept getting deeper and more complete. At our age, we can't do what we used to do, but the sex still is satisfying in wonderful ways.

One of the thoughts that kept me faithful even in my road warrior days was that I just didn't want to go through the learning curve again. The excitement was attractive, I'll grant, but satisfaction is so much better than excitement.

Some people may think A sex is the best, but not everyone accepts that, for very good reasons. Some of us value the excitement, but don't ignore those of us who value the satisfaction of deep connection with each other and with real pleasure.

Ask yourself this: What makes you think A sex is the best, especially if you haven't experienced it?
And this: If M sex is boring, who's responsible for that? And who has the power to make M sex exciting and satisfying?

In my experience, I believe Lurkingsoul12 and Sisoon are both correct.

Affair sex has novelty, it’s illicit, forbidden, exotic, dangerous, existing in seductive shadows, in a chimeric illusory surrealistic dream state. The sexual interludes are served teasingly in the form of brief-but intense, stolen moments always leaving you craving more, fantasizing about the next moment while reminiscing about the last. In between moments, AP’s build sexual tension, to a crescendo, with various forms of foreplay seduction, that includes graphic sexting, aggrandizing each other’s perceived sexual attributes, mutually reliving their last sexual interludes with extreme exaggeration and planning for the next with extreme anticipation.
Another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Twilight Zone Affair Bubble.

And then there’s long term marital love-making that dwells more in reality, involves a deeper substantive more wholistically fulfilling connection between partners and reality and evolves with the relationship over time. Most affairs tend to de-evolve or exist in a fragile ethereal state that swings by a fine thread from fleeting moment to moment. Love making takes sex to an entirely different, more profound and sustainable level then recreational affair sex.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:43 PM, Sunday, July 2nd]

A couple of things to keep in mind:
To me the most important issue is that even before your wife discovered OM had a supersausage it was too late. The infidelity had taken place. In other words – she didn’t cheat because he was so well endowed or was a super-lover. By the time she discovered that the infidelity had already started. Started with the decision to take it to the stage where OM had the opportunity to display his salami.

A lot bigger? (no – no pun intended). Statistically men’s appendages are over 90% within the same inch. In hooman words – if you have 10 men in a locker-room then 9 will be within an inch of each other. The one left out – it’s just as likely that he will have a shrimp as it is that he has a truncheon.

Truth is affair sex is mostly the best sex. Lots of cheaters agree to this. There are lots of factors that make affair sex the hottest. There are many women who had their first orgasm during affair or had the highest number of orgasms during affair.

Let me tell you, even if you had the biggest dick in the world, you can not compete with affair sex. You just can't compete.

Sigh.

Look, I've had affair sex. It was good. It was exciting. It wasn't the sole objective of the affair, but I'm not claiming I didn't enjoy it. We were 20 years old, infatuated, and generally compatible. If you had sex in similar circumstances at that age, it was (I assume) pretty much like that.

The best sex I've had is with my H, both before and after the affair. And yes, that's in part because we have this deep and loving long term connection, developed over a long history. However, it's also the best multi-orgasmic, freakydeaky, loud, sweaty, etc etc etc sex by a purely physical measure. Not every single time has been like that, of course. Thirtysome years is a lot of sex, and sometimes it's two tired people trying to reconnect before falling asleep, or one person playing along to get the other off. But when the circumstances are right, we can still scorch the walls. No, it doesn't "compare," because often it is so fucking much better by any and every measure.

I can't speak for every wayward, of course, but neither can they (or anyone, BS or WS) speak for me.

but neither can they (or anyone, BS or WS) speak for me.

Me either.

And, for the record, sex was just as hot when we were BF/GF as when we were having an affair 2 years later. That’s probably because we were extremely compatible and it was just great sex…..not because it was A sex.

It was quite a post full of generalizations and projection to read through, though. Kept me entertained in the bathroom, at least. 👍🏻

What you got to come to terms with is it was better than you. If you take a look at the couple of Ws on this post they say it was good. In fact it was good enough they were willing to hurt the person they love, and take a risk on their family to do it. Some even went against their own morals to do it. They also get to live with that memory forever. For some it may be a nightmare, for others it will give them a warm twinge of pleasure. A little ego boost on those cold winter nights that they did it. Or got away with it. You as a Bs have no control over this. It is how these people are built. They are okay with hurting others and dealing with the chaos afterwords. They are fundamentally flawed and just because they changed does not negate their past. The power is with you now. Do you want these type of people in your life? They maybe remorseful and such, but it is you who have to live with their choices. Are you brave enough to go through the rest of your life knowing that even though they were your first you will always be second? or are you brave enough to go on your own? It is lonely out their but at the same time you are not chained by the misery of someone’s garbage choices and faults. There is two kinds of people in this life. Those who "Find" themselves, and those who "create" themselves. Those who find themselves leave a wake of misery, build on a foundation of crap they do not understand, and believe the end justifies the means. That lessons learned at another’s expense are fine. Just part of life. Those who create themselves are lonely, stick to their guns, and build a character not on a pile of others pain, but on truth, hope, compassion, communication. Do not let the other person define you. Create yourself. Take your power back. If sex and Big members takes priority over trying to build a loving relationship over time. Let her have it. It is a hard lesson to learn I am still learning it myself.

Ok. I think I didn't convey my message the way I wanted. Sorry for that. I shouldn't have used the term 'best'. I should have used 'hyped up'.

Affair sex is very hyped up at least in the early days of affairs. Because of various factors I mentioned in my earlier post, the imminent sex with the AP comes with high built-up sexual tension. This makes at least the first few sex extremely enjoyable, totally worth risking their entire life and marriage. This is what I learned from the confessions of many active cheaters.

Of course, as time goes by, affair sex may not remain/appear as enjoyable as it once was.

I get why many reformed Ws don't think their affair sex was that great. Its like watching your favorite childhood shows that you loved when you were a kid, but now you find them average or extremely mediocre. Personal growth helps us recognize superficial things.

I have a question for WWs.

See, for most men, emotional connection isn't mandatory to enjoy sex. We can do well even with less emotional connection.

For most women, emotional connection is a prerequisite to enjoy sex. So, that means if a man is having an affair for sex then he doesn't need to create an emotional bond with his AP to enjoy sex. But, if a female is having an affair, then to enjoy sex with her AP, she needs to create an emotional bond with him. May be this the reason why most women pursue their APs emotionally just so they can enjoy sex with them. That means sex is what they ultimately desire in affairs. They might not be doing it consciously. They might not even realize what they are aiming for in affairs. They may not even recognize this pattern may because its in their instincts developed through their nature of being selective when it comes to mating. May be that's how nature as designed women to establish emotional bonding before mating where end goal is mating.

I refuse to believe that women in general pursue affairs for purely emotional reasons.

I am not a woman. I am not a wayward. So, my assessment of women in affairs can be completely wrong. Sorry, I couldn't make my assessment without making generalizing statements. Feel free to criticize me.

I got to ask what the end goal of women in affairs is? For men, it's sex. And for women?

Sorry for t/j. Sorry if I offended anyone.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 11:41 PM, Sunday, July 2nd]

Lurking,

He was an ex. Still single. We both wanted to get back together. I got caught cheating before I ended my M.

Obviously we both had issues. Me, to be cheating. He, to be willing to be an OM instead of telling me to call him when I was divorced. But it wasn’t about anything more than just being back together. I don’t think either of us thought it in terms of emotional vs. physical tit-for-tat. It was like when we were BF/GF. Nobody thinks of it in those terms when they start dating. After you’ve been together for a couple of years nobody wonders who is in it for the lovey dovey schmoopie words and who’s in it for the fucking.

There’s this perception that affairs are all just random hookups or people who don’t really know each other, hiding at the No-Tell Motel frantically putting Tab A in Slot B. Don’t misunderstand me; affairs are always wrong, because they involve deception and broken promises. But some of them are a lot more like "regular" interactions between men and women than one would assume.

Darkness:

He was an ex. Still single. We both wanted to get back together. I got caught cheating before I ended my M.

I feel yours was an exit affair. If it was, then you were already detached from your husband and emotionally quit your marriage long before you had your affair. That's why your affair felt like a regular relationship because you were looking for a potential partner for long term relation.

What about those cheating women who are in a very fulfilling marriage? They are getting everything emotionally and sexually from their partners, and yet they cheat. What are they looking for?? If sex with husband is good and he is emotionally fulfilling, then why cheat?

There’s this perception that affairs are all just random hookups or people who don’t really know each other, hiding at the No-Tell Motel frantically putting Tab A in Slot B. Don’t misunderstand me; affairs are always wrong because they involve deception and broken promises. But some of them are a lot more like "regular" interactions between men and women than one would assume.

If your description of affairs in general is accurate, then I fail to see what's so great about it that these cheaters find it worth risking their entire marriage, especially when it's a imperfect yet a fulfilling marriage. If it's not for the great sex, if it's not for the adventure, if it's not for the thrill of it then for what??

If affairs are lot like regular relationships then this very much contradicts the popular narrative that "affairs are built up fantasies and therefore are unreal and all the affair feelings are 'fog' induced. Hence, WSs can be expected to snap out of it anyday."

I don’t think either of us thought it in terms of emotional vs. physical tit-for-tat. It was like when we were BF/GF.

Like I said, you may not realize it. You may not recognize it. But that doesn't mean its not there. There is always a pattern in the manner we chose our partners,the kind of partners we chose and the dynamics we establish in relations. I think it's same with affairs too.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 12:36 AM, Monday, July 3rd]