SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife told me she wanted to make friends. I told her that's fine. She opened a tinder account to make friends in our area since she's not from the USa. She told me one night she wanted to go out with a new friend she made.

dday was 8/17//2023.She was gone for hours and came home drunk out of her mind. when she was gone for 4 hours I texted her and called her non stop telling her it was late and to come home since our kids (2 yo and 4 yo) were crying for her non stop. She waited a while more to come home. When she got home, I asked her if she did something with her new friend., She told me she had sex with this man. I was devastated... he lives around the corner from us too. I also went to high school with his brother and we hated each other...

She is now doing the whole rewrite her past with me thing by saying I treated her terribly. And that he treated her perfectly that one night. She is addicted to marijuana edibles as well. And she tells me she needs them to function.

Yesterday, I told her if she continues to contact him I would divorce her and claim alimony and fight for custody of my kids since she drives around with them in the car with only a permit and she is addicted to weed. Needless to say she flipped out.

Later on that day she told me that she was willing to move to a different city and try therapy only if I let her see him one more time. I asked her if she planned on having sex with him again and she told me she does not know.

I'm at such a loss. I want to walk away and divorce her so bad, but I know my kids life would be shattered to pieces. I wish she would wake up and see how she is destroying her family by being with this man and consuming weed everyday.

Any advice? She refuses to get therapy. Sorry if this was a very bad write up. I'm distraught right now.

If she is driving your kids without a license while under the influence your kids could end up to be truly "shattered" in more ways than one. You need to take action yesterday...

Nope. She doesn't get to see him again, find your inner strength and tell her if she does, you will file for divorce immediately and follow through. Married women and married men do not date other people.

As far as driving with your kids under the influence, I'd take her keys away.

Consult with a lawyer asap just to get some knowledge.

Your wife is a danger to herself, your children, and others while she is driving. That needs to end now on top of her infidelity.

Did you know her new friend was a man?

One of the main reasons betrayed spouses come her is to get support to get OUT of infidelity.

Listen to the members here who have your back and who have walked in your shoes.

You MUST protect your children and your marriage at all costs. She wants to see another man, she can do what she wants but not while married to you.

Sorry you find yourself here. Please read in the healing library. Take care of you. Please protect your children. Always value yourself. See an attorney. Your WW is free to see her AP again, but not as your W. And find a safe way to transport your children. Driving high she is risking their safety. Read and implement the 180 while she is actively cheating. No idle chit chat. You and your children deserve better.

Friend, Tinder is a hookup site and **not** a site to "make friends", I am sorry to tell you this.

Your WW is one piece of work I'll tell you. Your focus now has to be protecting your kids against this evil shrew of a woman.

As someone who is married to a woman that was born outside the USA...I will tell you that you do not need Tinder to make friends. Tinder is for hooking up and dating, not for making friends. Now, I'm sure that there are a few edge cases where Tinder was actually a place where people met friends, but I'm certain that it is an exception to the grand rule.

As for the addiction to edibles and affair, both are dangerous behaviors that she is engaging in. Your wife is deeply troubled and is using drugs and her affair as avoidant behaviors from her real issues. She shouldn't see this dude one more time. She should never see him again. Don't let her gaslight you into seeing him one more time. If she goes to see him, see to it that she is presented with divorce papers.

Was just coming in to say the same thing... Tinder is a dating app not friend making app. She had these intentions all along and knew it was a date.

2 things:

Later on that day she told me that she was willing to move to a different city and try therapy only if I let her see him one more time.

1. WS do not set conditions for R, the BS is the one that sets the conditions if the BS decides to give the chance of R to the WS. Am also quite sure you know that she will not stop at 'one more time', as she seems to have an addictive personality.

You set the conditions for your WW to earn a chance at R. You set conditions that will make the lives of your kids and yourself safe. You set the boundaries and limitations of what you will accept or not, she just has to make the decision whether she can accept those conditions or not. It will be her choice.

Also, please don't do the infamous Pick-me dance, as that never ends well for the BS.

I asked her if she planned on having sex with him again and she told me she does not know.

2. Am sure you know that her 'indecision' has given you the answer, right? There is a high (99.99%) chance she plans on having sex with her AP again.

Her addictive personality will want more and more, as she will want to hit the highs all the time. After a while, the body/mind becomes immune to the current dosage, and then dosage needs to be higher to achieve the highs.

Unless she sorts herself out, there is no way that you could even think about R at the moment.

So a few days have passed since my original post. She is now saying she does not plan on seeing him anymore not talking to him. I suspect that's a lie. Now she is saying she wants to stay with me but she doesn't feel the same as before for me. She says we should work on our relationship. I caught myself reading relationship books and looking for therapy meanwhile she does nothing else besides hug, hold hand, say sorry, and sex one time. And advice?

We typically call that "lovebombing". When a WS is caught and they just want to put the whole thing behind them, they often try to romance the betrayed partner. That's NOT real change. It's manipulation. What's worse is that in some states, when you allow the WS back into your bed or continue a domestic relationship in the home past a certain amount of time, the court views it as "condonation", tacit forgiveness which takes filing on grounds off the table.

In your case, with a WS who is unwilling to get therapy, and worse, a substance abuse problem which affects her ability to provide adequate child care, I'd be in a lawyer's office like yesterday. Your WS, like so many others, is probably thinking that she's doing enough, but she's not. In order to be happy with R, most of us need to see REAL CHANGE. That means a WS who has figured out what their malfunction was and reevaluated their values system so that cheating is NOT a valid choice in their decision tree. I'm not seeing any of that in what you've told us, I'm sorry to say. :(

Tinder to meet friends... dude.

This was pre-meditated. Just divorce.

Thank you for the responses everyone. They have helped me tremendously.

She tells me she will go to therapy but I see nothing on her side looking for therapists. I've told her not to kiss me anymore and she won't stop. She is totally love bombing me. I'm beginning to see just how deep her mental illness runs.

Is it bad that I asked for her phone password and got upset she won't give it to me?

She isn't giving you the password because her phone is filled with more evidence of cheating that she is now feverishly deleting.

I'm sorry you had a reason to find us but glad you did. Any consequences from her A are all on her. Divorce would not be you destroying the family, it's her. She does not get to set the terms of R, she either complies or leaves the M.

You cannot push, pull, drag, guilt, or manipulate someone into R. You need to go hard 180 and detach, be willing to let go lose the M.

I know it's easier said than done, be we have all been in your shoes.

I’m on Tinder because I’m separated. There is an option you can select called ‘looking for new friends’. No one buys it! I’ve always seen it as a code for I’m looking to cheat.

Sorry you’re here man. With young kids too it double sucks. Listen to everyone’s advice here, they’re veterans and we’ve all been through a lot of BS.

I’d get a lawyer. Your WW is not remorseful. If you divorce her watch out for her fleeing to her home country with your kids - it happens. If it was me I’d be going for divorce and full custody. Especially if divorce means she has to go home. Good luck, stay strong.

Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

She refuses to give you her phone? She's hiding something and is probably trying to destroy all evidence.

Your wife purposefully sought out another man. She is not being transparent. She wanted to see the other man one more time. She isn't interested in counseling. She's not remorseful.

IMO, find a good divorce attorney. I don't say this too often here, but I don't think she is going to change.

You were all right. Now she shut back down saying she does not want to be with me anymore. No more hugs,kisses, sex.

This is such bad abuse. I will need therapy for years.

I'm so so sorry, but you need to act swiftly and meet with a couple of attorneys asap. Get on the phone first thing Tuesday morning and make those calls, generally the first consultation is free.

Your wife seemingly is willing to walk away from the marriage AND she is a danger to your children with her addiction. You must protect them at all cost.

Do you have trusted family or friends that you can confide in for support?

I want to divorce and get custody of kids, but the issue is that she is the bread winner. Right now I'm in the process of finding a job, but it's been so difficult finding a job. I was a stay at home dad for 2 years. So 2 year gap on resume.