SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have just ruined a 12 year relationship. I cheated on my partner six years ago with a one night stand and confessed to it immediately. It broke my partner’s heart but she learned to forgive me and I was the partner I was before and after the incident, and should have always been.

Our relationship recovered and was full except that our sex life was non existent. It was never very frequent apart from the first 3/4 years but it really tailed off after 4/5 years. Once in six months was the worst, but generally it was once every three months or less frequent. I’m M34 and she is 38.

The lack of sex caused me a lot of issues, I have a high libido and was frequently masturbating which was a poor substitute for intimacy.

I brought the topic up with my partner about 1.5 and 1 years ago to try and improve things. She felt we were having enough sex, I did not. We were going to work on it but by that point I think I had compartmentalised sex and masturbation as something separate from intimacy with my partner. She didn’t agree to counselling and we weren’t able to change. Everything else in our relationship was perfect.

I started going for lengthy massages in dodgy place with topless women, the sort of places you could pay for more. I would get a massage and masturbate, I obviously got caught out in the end. I don’t expect reconciliation is possible from such a humiliating act.

I scarcely believe the person I have become, I am ashamed. I know this is me focussed but it feels like a me problem.

I have broken both our hearts, I have destroyed a gentle soul and lost the love of my life. We had such a good time.

I’m going to see a therapist for sex addiction, sexism and relationships. I obviously have problematic behaviours and I need to correct them. I’m contrite and in the depths of despair.

Would prefer helpful advice but I’ll get what I get.

I haven’t got a lot of advice for you at this point, except for you to be more specific about the nature of the advice that you are seeking, and what were you doing, how did the truth emerge, and how has your significant other taken the news this far; what’s actually been said?

Like, the fact you were getting a massage in a dodgy place is probably embarrassing in and of itself, but WERE you paying for… ahem… "more"? And… how much "more"? And, were diseases caught/transmitted? Also, what was/were the stated reason(s) for the difference of opinion regarding sexual frequency within the primary relationship?

Thank you for the comments.

I think the professional advice I’m seeking is how to stop disassociating sexual gratification with emotion. I also think I might have become addicted to masturbation. I think these two things have become really problematic for me and are the route of the issue.

The truth emerged in the trashiest way ever, a parking fine. I had previously gone to parlours but then went to a hotel which was an escalation in itself. I didn’t have sex but I realised it had escalated and I essentially fled the scene without paying for parking. The irony being that this episode really showed me how far I’d gone and I really think going to the brink made me realise I had an issue. Getting caught has made confront that issue.

She’s obviously disgusted, humiliated, hurt and doesn’t want anything to do with me. I can’t see reconciliation being viable after this. I would do anything to make amends, but I think this is probably unforgivable. It was a physical need, our emotional relationship was great, but I just can’t see that distinction mattering from her perspective.

There wasn’t sex and there weren’t STDs, I think in my sick mind I had cheated and this wasn’t the same as it wasn’t fully sexual nor was it emotional at all.

She just wasn’t as sexually needy as I was. She said she was attracted to me and I was attracted to her but we got to the point it was so infrequent it was impossible to spark anything and I think it became a self fulfilling circle.

I don’t really know what I’m hoping to learn on here but writing things down is helping clarify things for me and maybe I can learn and change.

Ok friend there’s a lot to unpack and a lot of confusion, and since there is no stop sign I can give you my two cents.

What I am going to say below is in no way justifying having sex with sex workers and such or anything outside the relationship (I guess porn was in the picture as well).

It wasn’t all okay or perfect even before you fucked up.

No sex relationships or low sex relationships are symptomatic of deeper issues.

He two people are attracted to each other physical intimacy is following up naturally unless there are physical impediments.

So there was something there that you two should have addressed within the couple.

Your coping mechanism and cheating is wrong. Doesn’t mean that all that was before was good, it is not black or white, is nuanced.

Sexless relationships as in lacking physical intimacy are as dysfunctional as those lacking emotional intimacy.

We are taught to neglect one or another by the same brainwashing propaganda that paints infidelity as true love, but manipulations from sick fucks don’t change the reality: they are 2 sides of the same coin for a healthy marriage or relationship.

It’s just nature.

You shouldn’t stand for a relationship lacking either emotional or physical intimacy just because you are told to do so.

Now you likely have character flaws that make you cope with dysfunctional behaviors whenever you’re faced with conflict that hits you emotionally (like in this case).

Refugee into sex workers or onanism is just your coping.

The path of least resistance for your ego rather than confronting yourself and your woman’s issues.

That’s why is called escapism.

Think about this first, why did you choose that instead of confrontation with your wife?

I mean a real one, as peers, not a timid try and retrea - pick me dance

Stating both of you your needs and boundaries and assessing if they align. Because if they don’t then the relationship is doomed, even without cheating.

She needs emotional intimacy right?

We are talking about what she admits, not about the unspoken here.

What do you need and what are yours and her boundaries?

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:07 PM, Sunday, October 25th]

I appreciate your perspective.

It’s really hard for me to think about it in the way that you describe, we were more than best friends. I genuinely believe she found me attractive and I find her attractive, we lost contact with each other on a physical level and couldn’t figure out how to bring it back. When we did overcome that we enjoyed our sex.

When we had a serious conversation about it, it ended in mutual tears and commitments to try harder and increase day to day physical intimacy with the hope it would improve sexual intimacy too. I said it was a deal breaker and didn’t follow through because our emotional connection. I also suggested couples intimacy therapy which wasn’t well received.

I think I ended up in a perverse universe where I thought I could meet my partner’s emotional and sexual needs as a couple, meet my emotional needs as a couple and ‘top up’ my sexual needs through what I’ve described. I can see it’s totally fucked up, this is why I’m also getting professional help.

Can you unpack the ego point? In my mind I didn’t want to leave because I believed things would get better and the emotional side of the relationship was fulfilling. I’m not sure my ego was preventing it?

If I understand your final points, we were aligned on emotional intimacy but not sexual. I’m finding it very hard to accept that it was doomed already, maybe intimacy therapy could have rekindled what we had lost. And I understand none of this justifies my actions, but it’s really helpful to unpick it all like you are.

The ego is a projection of your "ideal self" that acts as an interface with the outside world.

It is a mask, a construct you built over the years, and when I say "ideal" is a delusion, because we suck at creating our masks, for they are a projection of all our insecurities ending up as a fake persona that we want to be identified with to farm validation from others and feel accepted.

But you can’t be seen for who you truly are when you present the mask. So no matter the validation, it’s temporary and fade’s because you can’t feel accepted when your true self is hidden behind the ego.

This is the dissonance you feel. In time we get used to our ego as our avatar because it is the one who gets validated by others and because "nobody will really like the true me" is a very common insecurity we often develop during childhood and coming of age.

So the ego is what stays often at the wheel, often steering us towards true trash decisions, is the one at the wheel when people cheat. If it wasn’t the ego instead of the true self of the person, they wouldn’t have any shame, they would not lie, they would be promiscuous but unapologetically so, they would not cheat they would declare they want multiple partners, take it or leave it.

The ego lies, cheats and betray because you are feeling shame for the hurt you cause to the other person, unless you are a psychopath, but the ego can play the psychopath role without you feeling like one, because you know is not the real you, is just a mask for the act, so it can give you the thrill without you feeling like a bastard as "this is not really me, who I am" after all.

It’s complex and nuanced but in a nutshell this gives you the general idea.

Look, sex is not the intercourse. Sex is the whole thing, emotional and physical intimacy.
It is the manifestation of a connection.

When you act like roommates where occasionally there is intercourse, sex is likely broken, as in the connection is broken by some unresolved issue between you.

You are not friends, you are not roommates. Though you end up act like roommates/ friends with benefits that play the couple without allowing themselves to embrace being a couple.

This is what I mean when I say there is some unspoken unresolved issue that you both need and probably want (but are scared) to address.

And the issue might not be functional, there can be some fundamental unresolved issue that both of you need to heal to come back together into the connection that generates the sexual attraction and gravity.

It doesn’t mean that you have to be aware of, but your guts tell you both something is off.

Infidelity, that’s the atom bomb that ends love relationships.
It doesn’t solve, it only corrupts and destroy, but you know that already.

It doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t possibly start fresh, it is possible if you are both healed and the betrayed can get over their trauma.

But it’s not easy.

And requires to fully healed people.

The bs heals the bs.
The WS heals the WS.

You have agency to heal yourself

I agree with what I think is the key message of BFTS posts. What you may want to work on is facing your problems directly with courage instead of coping around it in harmful ways. I had a somewhat similar bedroom situation, though less extreme, with my current (faithful) wife due to her upbringing and I made it very directly clear that she has to fix it. And she did! But if she didnt we would sadly be declared not right for each other and we would divorce. As written above I was unapologetic and not yielding to some fake ethics saying that only cave men want to have sex in their monogamous sexual relationship, but at the same time respecting true ethics, not breaking my vows, not using deception and treating my spouse and myself with respect. I don't know what the future holds for you, but if she changes her mind and wants you to return to the previous status quo, it seems to be the outcome that you hope for, but for me it seems like the worst possible outcome. There is no good future down that path for both of you.

Thanks both, you’ve given me a lot to think about and act on with my own behaviours

I don't post here with any particular wisdom. But here's a bit of common sense. First of all, it does sound like this is a topic that has repeatedly arisen in your relationship with this woman. I applaud you for initiating the conversations. Any insights as to "why" the issue has arisen so much? Here's what I mean: Not why have you raised the issue repeatedly. Why have you had to raise the issue? Why has your partner not accommodated you 100% of the way? It's one thing to say: Her libido isn't that high--but WTF does libido have to do with it? Libido is how often someone wants sex, right? But... how often does she want to love you? Sex may sometimes simply be a way a partner may need to be loved--even if the partner with lesser libido doesn't per se want the sex that often. Supposing she had some kind of moral or cultural objection to sex at a frequency that you'd find satisfying, have you explored whether she would be willing to accommodate you with release at the frequency you--need even if not through full vaginal intercourse? Via other orifices? Hand jobs? Etc..

A cautionary note: Be open and perhaps even inquiring into the possibility of sex being uncomfortable or even physically painful for her. It can be, you should know. And not just from "overuse." It could also be that she is trying to protect you--for instance--from herpes lesions. She could be suffering from adverse effects of medications, from depression, a variety of endocrine disorders, from stress, from negative self-image, or from a history of abuse (to be clear, I am not accusing you). If any of the sex you are seeking is oral, you may elect to inquire whether your semen simply tastes bad! If so, sometimes simple dietary changes can help. If boredom has been an issue, you can try a variety or toys or role-playing or new positions.

If your partner was to increase the frequency of your sex--let's say to half or even three quarters of the regularity you have requested--would that adequately satisfy you? How about if she was to escalate sexual frequency all the way to your requested level? Or, would you still want masturbation? If the masturbation is still something you would want, even if in-relationship sex was frequent, you might indeed have an addiction. You might try Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Sexual Compulsives Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, or Sexual Recovery Anonymous for further guidance.

Lastly on this front, please consider discussing with your doctor about your self-described "high" libido? I am not in any position to provide you with a diagnosis--nor do I intend to imply that you ought to be given one yourself--but perhaps exploring whether you may be experiencing hypersexuality may be worthwhile? Such conditions as bipolar disorder can include hypersexuality. Certain medications can cause the same.

Point is: many of the issues I have listed since the "cautionary note" paragraph may have a medical basis and may be treatable.

Beyond those thoughts, there's apparently conflict in the relationship at present. I do want to note: Although I don't fully understand what you wrote, I gather that there was no inappropriate contact between anyone outside your relationship and you over the preceding 6 years. You were "simply" paying for the "privilege" of getting a nonsexual massage and permission to touch your own genitalia around people besides your significant other--potentially aided by certain... ahem...visual experiences? It is my understanding that there was no emotional connection between you and the people you were paying, and there was no inappropriate physical touch. It is my understanding that everyone involved was of legal age and participated of their own free will.

If that's right, I'll admit: I wouldn't want to be identified in a newspaper as having participated in such situations. Nor do I personally engage in such activities myself, for that matter. However, it strikes me that the "betrayal" of which you are guilty could've been worse. A lot worse. Frankly, I'm not so sure that the visual stimulation you sought is anything beyond what you could get by watching HBO or Cinemax or online pornography... or, frankly, a lot of "romantic" movies produced these days--or maybe walking onto a nude beach. (I'm not going so call such exposures harmless, frankly--I'm just saying the modern world presents all adults with a ton of opportunities to indulge those visual appetites, and a lot of people do "indulge.")

As for the exhibitionistic component of what you evidently did, that's legitimately got to be embarrassing to have out in the open, but... whether that constitutes actual infidelity is probably a grey area.

My point is: I don't know that what you did would necessarily be "unforgivable." So... I probably would advise patience, apologies, and plenty of contrition.

[This message edited by Unconventional at 4:18 AM, Monday, October 26th]

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts.

It’s clear that having faced into the issue of sexual intimacy with greater intent would have either ended the relationship in a human way or very likely prevented my actions. I’m pretty terrible with understanding and expressing emotions, that said, and it sounds unbelievable with what I’ve done, but I do feel empathy. I think I’ve acted on that empathy in an unbelievably perverse way or maybe I think I have empathy which is why I acted as I did - which is a scary thought.

I don’t think it was just her not wanting intimacy I think we both gave up at some point, which ties back to some of the other contributions about why that could be. I wish we’d confronted that more thoroughly.

It escalated from frequent porn use to what I did. I guess it was a combination of physical contact, exhibitionism and visual stimulation. I assume this is a gateway to ‘full prostitute visits". It was absolutely consensual and absolutely no emotional attachment, it was mostly different people.

Reading various definitions, there are aspects of hypersexuality and I fail the SAA quiz. So that’s positive to understand, there are some practical actions I can take on this, thanks for raising. And yes, it’s extremely humiliating.

I expect it’s unforgivable in the eyes of my (likely ex-partner) but this is all very helpful for whatever my future holds.