SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need advice from people that have gone through what I am going through…
STBX and I have not spoken in over a year. We are nearing the end of our divorce. Kids are ages 23 and 20. I have gone no contact with him except via emails and I basically have built up a fear of seeing him or talking to him in person, even on the phone. I think it’s from the trauma he caused me with living a second life with another woman for over two years and then my harsh discovery- the shock of all this. I’m wondering if it might help me get over my fear if I schedule a call with him on the phone about an easy subject (ie- daughter shopping for a new car) that is not very personal or emotional. I am afraid how I will react/feel when I talk to him and it may make me more weak and sad -however it could also empower me because maybe I would realize I am over him and he won’t have as much of an effect on me anymore. So my question is, should I call him or should I continue no contact? (obviously the no contact has been for my own healing purposes after being blindsided in a 27 year marriage) would love to hear your thoughts/experiences. This forum is so helpful to me.
My best to all other warriors out there who have gone thru this 💗

I had to remain in very limited touch with my ex due to insurance things (our house burned down during the D time period) and then when our cat died. We had been together for 25 years. But I went a couple years only have email with him and then I had to talk to him on the phone for something complicated. And I was so nervous. Ends up i was kinda bored talking to him. It was just… meh. Then maybe a year or so later I ran into him for the first time at a restaurant. And I didn’t even register it was him when I saw him enter with some friends of ours.

So I get the fear. But for me, it ended up being more of a "what did I see in him and why did I think he hung the moon?" Kind of feeling. It was weird but not in a desirable way at all. So maybe it won’t be as big a deal as you fear - you may have healed much more than you suspect.

I wasn't able to go NC, but I've gone LC ever since he started dating. I would suggest that you wait until the divorce is finished before you contact him by phone. Let it all be done and dusted, just in case.

I think trying to get over your fear through some small exposure is a good idea. A phone call is open-ended, though. Maybe call at a time when you know you can't talk to him for too long, just in case you need to make a quick exit, or have some other ready excuse to end the call.

Be prepared to have some feelings after, even if the call itself goes fine. And also be prepared for things to go sideways. Know what your boundaries are (in case he starts getting angry or starts begging you to take him back).

Is there some reason it has to be you who talks to him about your daughter's car shopping? She's an adult and capable of talking to him about whatever it is she might need help with, right?

What does your therapist recommend?

Pogre is on the money here…

Why are both of you involved in your daughter’s car-shopping at her age? What’s behind that? I get interest, I can even get financial support, but why together? Make this a you-thing.

I will say this:
Most people that divorce lose contact with each other. It’s not intentional (in all instances), but simply life goes on. With kids in the mix there is a need to efficiently coparent. The age of the kids can determine how much that interaction needs to be. Once the kids reach adulthood it becomes more an issue about being around them on their special days and events – positive or negative.
In your instance I would hope that you and her dad can be at events such as weddings, graduations, name-giving of grandkids and such. That you don’t feel awkward sitting at the head-table with him and his partner at the same table, maybe even with your new partner. That you can be in contact in times of crisis and so on. But that’s probably it.
Of course, being friendly makes things easier. But it’s not required. It’s totally optional.

I think it’s good that you overcome your fear of your ex. However remember the goal is indifference rather than fear or hate or any other negative emotion/reaction.

There's good reason to avoid him. He traumatized you. Why talk to him now, before the divorce is finalized? Is it that important to verify you're "over him" right now? One year in you're still healing! IMO these are still early days. No contact feels entirely appropriate. It's okay to let yourself heal - take time to gather more strength- and more time to cultivate indifference - before voluntarily fabricating chit chat with someone who traumatized you.

Reaching out to him out of the blue after a year of NC may be misconstrued. Creating an (obvious?) excuse to talk to him could be viewed as a pre-divorce hail mary attempt to re-open the door. Gotta ask -you're seriously thinking about calling him after a year of NC right before the divorce is final....... Deep down, do you hope to keep that door slightly ajar?

Would calling him personally about something "easy", something that could have been broached in an email, feed his ego? HIM: "See, she still cares about me. Of course. And she thinks we're still friends, even after all her drama. I'm that awesome!"

Would talking to him open a line of communication you'd rather keep closed? HIM: "Maybe I'll call her back - soon. One random phone call deserves another. Being friendly with STBX will keep AP on her toes, too."

Lotus, he doesn't deserve any attention from you. Give it time. Bet the fears will subside once you're more fully adjusted to your new life. And more fully embraced it. Doesn't sound like you're there yet.....which is okay. It's been only a little over one year since d-day! Indifference will grow as your heart heals. You'll be able to face him with aplomb, when necessary, after you've taken time to more fully recover.

And, please give yourself some grace. As the final Divorce decree approaches, it's only natural he's on your mind (living there rent free?), especially while grappling with trauma. But, you're handling things so much better than you think. You've overcome so much and come so far in one short year! So, stay firm - keep up the no contact. And laser tune your focus away from him - back onto YOU where it belongs. Given time, he won't loom so large in the rearview mirror. Indifference will grow, slowly but surely. Take care.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 4:56 AM, Monday, October 26th]