Starting a new thread on the topic, instead of throwing my two cents into an existing thread.
I think we all experience some level some sense of shame after an A.
We blame ourselves, we try to find something we could have done different to prevent it. Almost all of us feel like we should have seen signs, blame ourselves for missing red flags, etc.
Then we fight through the idea that maybe there should be shame in trying to repair the M with the person who hurt us.
I felt all of that — in the first months of the emotional trauma.
At this point, I have not one single thing to feel any level of shame about.
I asked for and got all the changes to the M I required.
I held up my end of the vows.
I don’t allow any further negative behavior toward me.
It turns out the transparency we tried in early R from both of us, all the time, is good for the relationship.
Nothing my wife did during the A reflects on me in any way.
Her choices are something she wrestles with, not me.
All I did wrong during the A, was love my family with the only information I had at the time.
I chose to stay, I chose to forgive, and am happy with the amazing amount of hard work to get the M healthier.
On the flip side of all the work, I can’t ever say I will wake up one day and be glad an A happened — I’m simply amazed how much things can change when an M basically has to start over again.
Ultimately, I am glad our family is still together.
I understand those initial tugs of shame, but once I stood up for me and allowed my wife room to be her best self, I find I am proud of what we have now, despite the pain of the past.
