SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the few reasons my WW gave for her affair was that I have erectile dysfunction, and that made her feel like she wasn't attractive. Which was super painful to hear because it's like not only do I have erectile dysfunction, but because I do my wife had an affair. It's like saying I'm ugly but I'm also so ugly no one loves me.

The ED is physical and mental, and started years ago when I got a vasectomy (so that my WW wouldn't have to get a hysterectomy, which is like an extra pain point!).

The good news is that about a year ago I found a new doctor that helped me tremendously, and as far as I can tell I'm about 90% effective now, which gives me a lot of confidence to perform. I'm not totally sure how effective I am because the day I got the meds, my WW stopped having sex with me. It's been 7 months of taking daily pills (a combination of 4 different things) and that's the day she just stopped. Her timing is impeccable!

Anyway, I shared all that for two reasons. 1) Background, 2) So that I can ask the following questions of both men that have experience with ED, and women that have experience being with men with ED.

What I'm curious about is how men and women feel about it? How do you navigate it? What are the challenges? And what role if any do you think it may have played in affairs that impacted your marriages?

Prior to getting the right meds, I found that my WW just couldn't be vulnerable enough with me to help with the mental aspects of ED. The physical part was essentially just a handicap, that neither of us could do anything about. But like, my WW has some real issues with not being able to get outside of her own head, and it's like she needs me to be hard and orgasm before she can orgasm. Whereas I feel like because I know that's what she needs, it's just that much more pressure on me to perform, which seems unfair for someone with a physical issue.

Ideally, I really wish she would just be happy to orgasm and kind of let me do whatever I need to do without putting all the weight on me.

Interested to hear if anyone else has had the same issues, or if there are other challenges that I'm not even thinking about. As I move closer to divorce, I'm thinking long term about how I might interact with a new partner. It seems like as men get older this is something that many women would have experience with, and it would be great to hear what a good experience might look like. I definitely have concerns about how to even approach this subject with someone. Luckily this is something that I don't have to worry about at all since I'm still married. But I'm super curious how people deal with this when they meet new partners.

Mr Characters! :)

When I married - could go more than half a dozen times a day. 'wore her out'

As aging changes I learned a few things: 1st is sex partner must be sexually attractive.
Physical fitness is required.
Alcohol will kill your willy - for several days if you really 'tie one on'
Most important for the marital couple - the have to LIKE each other and also be bluntly intimate friends.

Now push a lot of decades and retired - and stuff is changed and probably still changing.

First - just wouldn't get stiff enough (love the British term: "Stiffy" !!)
So - got a rubber "o" ring (actually first one was off a deceased halogen headlight bulb!) - but ornery to get on/off sometimes.
Found something that is made like a Western Tie - the thing that is like a string with a sliding button the ends go through.
Learned how to get it on and it works great - as long as I can get in the mood.
Tried Viagra - didn't make much, if any, difference. Then Cialis - that works better for me.

Another note - treating your partner right (so as to keep that fire ready to start) is all-day/night job. A few evil or deprecating words can kill her willingness in a heartbeat. Be nice 24x7

We do talk about what we like and help each other with finding the right spots to do whatever. Tried some kinky stuff too - but found it to be too artificial or bothersome to get into. Backdoor - tried it - we both decided it wasn't way over-rated. (in our case anyway)
No bondage or anything causing pain or bruises!!!

One more consideration - (well two) - I had to learn to get over mind-movies of her cheating over 4 decades ago. Took awhile. A long while. . .

#2 - women have (%??) issues with their hardware too - just different. My wife has the beginnings of vaginal prolapse which makes her very self concsious. Told her no worries - as long as I can get my cookies off - I'm FINE!!

Also - we have some toys - some especially for her and a few for me to enhance the "o" ring idea. Also very stretchy to get on to where needed.

Then for some "warmer-upper" we have a

We can take turns with it on each other. Funny fact - one of our cats *loves* a bit of massage also and as soon as he hears the thing running, jumps on the bed waiting for his turn.

Last thing I can think of - absolute cleanliness - we do 'stuff' that would not be fun if BO (or other smells) present.
I have a equivalent to a Bidet in the shower to make sure everywhere is absolutely clean and deodorized.

We don't care to watch/read about pornography. Most I've even see is faked garbage. More interesting (!??) to watch two exhibitionists on a beach @ Ocracoke!

Have you been STD tested given you WS activities? Also, have you got over the whatever she did with whoever so you aren't thinking of that when trying to get worked up?

Sad to read of your issues compounded by her low morality.

Wish you well going forward.

Woman here, weighing in. Hippo is right that we sometimes have trouble with our "hardware" too. For me it peaked during perimenopause - just a total inability to orgasm (though it all felt nice) and then a major loss of libido. Up until then, WS and I were pretty well matched in the bedroom. He would have occasional issues, usually after drinking, but his diagnosed ED and taking pills began a few months after his affair started. (He claims that he and AP weren't yet "going all the way" but they were definitely intimate.)

At the time, I had no clue about the affair. He was overworked, overweight, and snoring badly, and those were easy explanations for me to accept as the cause of his ED. The pills worked okay enough, though he had to experiment a bit with dosage. Around a year after the affair started, he claimed his libido switched off and we entered our dead bedroom phase. That was a lot more emotionally confusing and hurtful to me than his ED.

Fast-forward 2 years. Post dday, post STD testing, etc., he still had ED issues, maybe worse than before. Our sex life was still pretty terrible (what's the opposite of hysterical bonding?). He said he felt bad about the ED and worried that I'd feel rejected by his inability to perform. He also started to have very high blood pressure around that time and the pills were giving him headaches. With all that, he stopped having sex with me again, and that made me feel 1000% more rejected than the ED.

Eventually it came out that he "sometimes" needed the pills with AP, but not always. With me, he always needed them, and even with the pills, sometimes things didn't work. I did my best not to pressure him - we did sensate focused touching, non-PIV activities, whatever. I was so starved for touch and sexual contact, I was ready to accept anything, and he couldn't even do that for me. I think I had a big thread about it here around that time.

Ultimately that's what killed my desire for him. It wasn't his ED. It was his obvious lack of desire for me - or his inability to see beyond his own guilt and self-pity (the result for me was the same). In your case, I think your WW is walking a similarly dangerous road that might eventually snuff the flame of desire you have for her.

After dday, the remorseful WS will show you how much they want you, and that includes catering to your needs in the bedroom (in whatever creative ways work for both partners). If they can't do that, I don't know about you, but in my case, resentment and hurt built up. I discovered that orgasmed better on my own than with him (for the first time in our 30 years together). One day, we got into bed to have sex, and I just started crying (before anything even happened). I couldn't bear the thought of him touching me. And that was the the last straw. A couple weeks later, I told him I wanted to separate.

Hippo, wtf is that thing? It looks like a supercharged ford engine with headers.

OhItsYou:

Hippo, wtf is that thing? It looks like a supercharged ford engine with headers.

The big chrome part is an electric motor with one end of the armature shaft having an offset (from dead centerline) so when is run the part under the motor shakes - not a lot but quite a bit.

The springs go over your palm and the pad covers the back of your hand.

Old ones had a two speed switch. Last I looked the newer ones one speed.

details on Amazon or Walmart and good used ones on EBAY - several on EBAY and way cheaper than buying new.

search on:

Oster
Oster Stim U Lax Handheld Vibrating Back Shoulder Hand Body Electric Massager (Probably not kosher to mention other body parts?)

The one I bought in 1981 still working perfect - but I did have to fix the AC linecord - so I replaced with one long enough to reach 8 feet ( )

So, you were experiencing a medical issue beyond your control and instead of being lovingly supportive and patient, she made herself the victim and then cheated on you.

Now that she’s added insult and profound trauma to injury, totally exacerbating your ED issues, you’re now expected to climb yourself out of that deep hole, and just rock her world.

Wow, ED is already tough to deal with even with modern pharmacological treatments. It, in itself, just trashes a man’s confidence, makes him feel inadequate, undesirable. Then throw in infidelity and it’s a coup de grâce that just reinforces his worst fears, makes him feel disposable, the love conditional, and all the loving sentiments ever said, a pathetic lie.

This would be the same for both genders.

Even with very effective ED meds, sound mental health is required to perform. You need to be confident. You need to be undistracted by cock blocking thoughts, stress, pressure, worries, mind movies and fears. You need to feel unconditionally desired. You need body positivity. You need to feel special and like you are a part of something special. There needs to be mental foreplay-romance-build up.

Infidelity works against all of that.

It’s crazy how much stress can kill an erection. Even latent sub-awareness, subconscious stress can absolutely kill your libido even with high dose Cialis coursing through your schmeckle.

I’m unclear of the evolution of her affair in relation to your ED issues, the time line, how much support she gave, if any, and how deprived of physical intimacy she was before you got medical help.

Even if she was deprived of, and desperate for physical intimacy, cheating should have never been on the list of possible loving interventions and solutions, solutions that would include divorce as a last resort-not cheating.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 7:33 AM, Tuesday, October 14th]

My experience with it has been more recent and not anything to do back in the affair days.

There are some studies that show that part of female sexuality is not just that we tend to be responsive in our desire but that many of us need to feel like we are really doing it for our partner. Though I think a similar conclusion could be made if they did a similar male study. We want to be able to turn on our partner and have that feeling they crave us.

So yes, to me it felt a bit like rejection, even though I understand it’s a medical condition. Logic and feelings some times do not line up. However, I am of an age where I can have intimacy for the sake of closeness. But I do still want passion, it’s one of the fun parts of life and marriage.

It’s difficult sometimes to have passion if you feel your partner is not there. And I dont necessarily mean an erection, it’s more so the lack of it makes it not fun for him. I too need to feel sometimes like he is just on the edge to reach mine. And if he is battling his own biology then yes that can be a little off putting.

There is communication however, and assurance and viagra has been effective. Sometimes now he doesn’t even need it. And going in that journey with him has shown him that I too will fight for our sex life and we have had to work through a lot of it together in order to have a good result.

Rejection is something men seem to experience more often in the bedroom and can relate to. Their wife may not have the same libido. Men often see the lack of libido a statement of their desirability. To me, it was helpful to understand his point of view. While we have always mostly well matched libido wise, he still often needed it a little more often than me but would become frustrated if I didn’t orgasm every time. Sometimes he would make it his mission and that made it not so fun because I would try and force my body to cooperate. So I can relate to what you are saying.

I guess what I am saying is the feelings of rejection for both men annd women are probably common and natural. It seems to often be biggest the response by either gender. If she was willing to communicate and be vulnerable there are ways a man with ED can make his wife still feel special and desired, and ways a woman can show love and understanding in the midst of changing dynamics. I would often say, how about if we just enjoy being naked together, that physical touch can be just about bonding rather than orgasms, after all neither of us are spring chickens . He learned to be okay with that and we would kiss and caress each other. Sometimes he would perform other things for me, but it was okay just letting it be that regularly. And him being okay with it helped me be okay with it.

He has mostly recovered after about a year. It was triggered by a diabetes med that he eventually changed to another kind. Aging and medical issues call for creativity, a feeling of it’s us united to work through it. I think your wife’s feelings are natural, but no excuse for an affair and likely exacerbated by her avoidance of anything where vulnerability was required.

Also most women do not have orgasms from PIV intercourse only. And if that is needed there are toys for that. A ws is built with a greater need for external validation but a hard penis is not the only way that can be achieved. So my husband would make sure he was still touching me and flirting with me, which took me telling him that’s what I needed. He was prone to pull those things out when he wanted sex, he had to learn to use those tools more consistently and that they aren’t just for getting sex.

Not sure if this helps as it sounds like your wife has more work to do.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:22 PM, Tuesday, October 14th]

BS here.

ED has reared its ugly head (pun intended) for the past 5 yrs or so. H tried Viagra (eye pressure and headaches) & Cialis which sometimes works (minus the headaches). Together we have searched for natural remedies. Ginger shots, beet/cayenne smoothies.....

I used to take it personally, but not so much anymore. In some ways it has helped us discover new ways of being intimate. Or at least appreciate nonsexual intimacy more. (massages, showers, kisses). I have to say his focus on my pleasure is definitely a bonus!!! I am sensitive to his feelings. I have my own issues as I age, and we work together to find work arounds.

I can't help but think the guilt and shame my H has carried for 40+yrs plays into this. Karma comes to my mind, but I would never say that. :) Good sleep seems to help and being spontaneous is key.

I can't give you any dating advice except to be honest upfront. I'm not sure of your age, but many women 50+ are adjusting to their own aging issues and are navigating similar fears. Sex is wonderful, but if I had to enter the dating world again at my age, it would not be the most important quality I would be looking for in a man.

4characters

Most important for the marital couple - the have to LIKE each other and also be bluntly intimate friends.

A couple of members addressed this issue in detail - worth re-reading the above posts.

I didn't remember you story so went and looked - you say you played a LOT of video games and also exhibited explosive (my choice of word) outbursts of anger. (no physical abuse) And family was tip-toeing around you afraid you would "blow" over something that they had no idea would be a trigger for your mental disintegration.

Would hazard the guess this will prevent her from LIKING you. Talk to her about how much she can stomach you not paying attention to the family by indulging in video games. Better, just cut back - like WAY back - maybe an hour a day?

Regarding your issue with emotional explosions - read some books, go to an IC, join a men's group for anger management.

But - QUIT blowing up. My thinking is she views you like walking on a dike in Vietnam during the war - wondering if her next step is going to trigger an explosion.

All the above posts apply but the gaming and lack of emotional control is a dead end.

Fix yourself.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 9:06 PM, Tuesday, October 14th]

I feel that my H's ED helped to bring about his cheating. I think that there was a part of him that thought it was my fault or that he was no longer interested in me that way, and that cheating was going to be his answer to ED. I know he went off to see his first escort without medication, couldn't get it up, and left. That at least told him it wasn't my fault, that it had nothing to do with his feelings about me, and that it was simply age-related common ED. That's not to say we didn't have our issues, of course, but I think that the way his penis reacted in bed made him think that his brain didn't like me, if that makes any sense. He let it shape his thoughts and feelings rather than using his brain.

For whoever can use this info, we have found that cutting a Viagra into quarters helps him enough. He doesn't need a whole pill.

My WH had prostate cancer and a prostatectomy as a result. This was in 2006, and on the heels of a couple of PA as well.

They spared the nerves, but he has ED.

He takes a daily low-dose cialis. Also, avoiding alcohol definitely makes a difference. He was taking some herbal supplements (not for ED, but for other health reasons) and I looked them up. One was definitely causing him more ED, and when he stopped that supplement his function changed for the better - so check on your vitamins and supplements to be sure.

I think that sometimes I do feel like it’s me, my attractiveness, my age…sure. He says that sometimes he gets inside his own head too, and that can affect him.

But overall, for a 74 year old with his history, his success rate over 90% is damn great. Considering that he could have lost all function.

We do the best we can with what we have.