SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have just got past what i can only describe as a few weeks from hell, really triggered, impulsive thoughts, overthinking everything. WH really dosent understand what hes done. He dosent like me bringing it up as it makes him upset and uncomfortable. Well that's tough.

He keeps telling me it was just a bit of ego boosting and attention, a few messages etc but my mind is just totally overthinking it all and how he has being dishonest. I dont know how to get through it but i dont want to lose him.

He has done everything ive asked and is very remorseful.

Nothing he is saying makes me feel better right now. I have good days and really bad. Ive been getting and feeling extremely angry. I keep crying to my mum and best friend(who are extremely supportive)

I think its also because I had suspicions for a while and i was right all along, and the fact that i icked up on that awful womans(ap) intentions long before it happened.... its like some kind of shock and definitely trauma. Ive been reading not just friends, its a very good read but have found it triggering at the moment so put it down for now.

Can any of you advise how you stopped your brain from overthinking when trying to reconcile :'( ive been reading all the helpful pinned posts on here also. I do want to try and save our marriage but right now im not feeling it 😕 😔 😪

B xx

[This message edited by Bluefairy at 10:54 AM, Monday, October 13th]

he definitely hasnt "done everything ive asked and is very remorseful" if he "dosent like me bringing it up as it makes him upset and uncomfortable"
what you are going thru is totally normal and he lacks empathy to understand it, is he in IC?

The first few weeks were hell. It was a lot of overthinking like you stated. It’s hard not to do that. I can’t completely remember what made things better.

But I would 100% say couples counseling helped and so did individual counseling.

The biggest portion is your spouse has to be willing to open up and communicate. They’re dealing with shame and guilt, so they will try to stay clear of it. That’s what my wife did as well. Not willing to talk about it and hoping we could fix things without addressing the elephant in the room.

Communication from your end is important as well. Either side must communicate if reconciliation is the goal.

At first, it was my wife not willing to open up and explain her sides but then I found myself not wanting to talk about it. Neither helps the goal of reconciliation.

You’re not going to get answers all in one moment. It’s a process and the slow release of answers, while annoying in the moment. It is better than being bombarded with everything at once and letting emotions take control of everything. I learned that the hard way. At least that’s how it was for me. Everyone’s different.

I noticed the less I bombarded her with questions and let her go through individual counseling and reflection of her actions. She started opening up on her end and then I had a less emotional response with the intent of reconciliation. The key thing is, they have to work on it. It won’t happen on its own.

It can be hard, as a WS, to face the full truth of what one has done to the person they have vowed to love, cherish, and protect for the rest of their life, so I can see why he wouldn't want to talk about it. However, not only is it important for your healing as the BS to talk about it as much as you need to, it's important for him to talk about it as well. Feeling that guilt, remorse, and shame for his immoral behavior is important, as it can be the impetus for actually examining where his character is deficient, exploring his true "whys," and doing the deep work in order to change. It is not a comfortable process at all, let me tell you, but it definitely a necessary one, and it's the only way to prevent oneself from engaging in infidelity in the future.

He needs to do that not only for you, but for himself. Invite him to come to SI, if you can; I think it would be helpful for him.

What are you "over-thinking" exactly?

You're probably still recovering from the shock of it all. It took me about ten month to feel as if I'd recovered from the shock. Some people recover faster, others more slowly. There's a lot of factors involved.

In those first few months my brain was all over the place. Craziness! Unhinged. I think most betrayed spouses experience the same shit. It's all just par for the course, unfortunately.

Biologically, this is your amygdala (that wonderful little part of the brain that regulates emotions) flipping out and short-circuiting the prefrontal cortex (that wonderful part of the brain responsible cognitive function, reason, self-regulation...)

So, yeah... you're going to "over" think pretty much everything and that's okay. In fact, by over-thinking things we can start to reduce them to simpler terms.

He keeps telling me it was just a bit of ego boosting and attention, a few messages etc but my mind is just totally overthinking it all and how he has being dishonest. I dont know how to get through it but i dont want to lose him.

That looks like significant minimizing to me, and minimizing is the opposite of taking responsibility and being remorseful. If he doesn't change, what are you losing? If he's not honest with himself, he'll have a hard time being honest with you. If he won't take responsibility for himself, what are you losing? Another child to take care of?

Do you have requirements for R? If so, what are they? If you don't have reqs, are you willing to create some, share them with your WS, and get your WS's buy-in??

Alas, often a BS has to risk a marriage to save it. Not all Ms can or should be saved.

I’m a year into trying to reconcile, failing miserably, and having similar problems where I have some good days, I get triggered (mainly by dumb stuff my ww does, and then I feel horrible.

With that in mind, I certainly don’t have a magic answer for you. But there is something that was made my quality of life better and seems to protect me from some of the day to day volatility.

I have a plan for divorce that I have communicated to my ww. And any time she says or does something that is triggering or makes me feel less safe, I find comfort knowing that I’m still following my plan, I’m not wasting any time. I’m not in limbo, I’m just executing a slow and deliberate plan that one way or another will stop the pain. Either my ww will figure out how to comfort me and build back trust, or when the timing is right, I will file for divorce and move away from the source of my trauma. Either way, there will be a resolution I can live with.

I hope this helps.

4characters wrote:
I have a plan for divorce that I have communicated to my ww. And any time she says or does something that is triggering or makes me feel less safe, I find comfort knowing that I’m still following my plan, I’m not wasting any time. I’m not in limbo, I’m just executing a slow and deliberate plan that one way or another will stop the pain.

I think this is excellent. My first individual counselor (who was very good) told me to do something similar: She told me not to make any decision about whether I would stay in the marriage or leave until, at least, one year had passed. She told me to make that clear to my WW as well. First, if you are like most betrayed spouses, you are unlikely to be able to make a clear-headed decision until you've processed things for quite a while. Second, your wayward spouse is on notice that their behavior during your recovery will factor into that decision. Most importantly though (in my view), it's empowering, and that's something I desperately needed.