SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Very difficult to talk about, however im lost because ive been with the same person for 10 years. Mixed emotions in many ways, without going into 10 years of detail. It started off casually,we dated,(left her man to be with me originally) she broke up with me, ended uo finding out she had sex with one of my closest friends ( for context, he was a thief, trouble of all kinds etc..) i wasnt great when i was younger either. None the less, me and him were no longer friends, she begged me to take her back then, i did. Took care of her and her son who was 1 in my own place shorlty after getting together, did everything for her etc... time goes by, shes flirting and sexting other people,caught her, should have left her then i dont know why i didnt... worked through some things. Made a mistake myself, started talking to a coworker because i felt my needs were not being met, which i had voiced to her planty of times beforehand, nothing sexual, not even a kiss, just emotional relationship. I tolf her the truth when i found out she was pregnant, hard recovery for a year about.. thought things were getting better, we moved to a bigger place, had our son, and my step son, the first 1 when we met.. however after about the 8th year of being together i discovered she had another emotional affair with someone over a year, then she addmitted to having sex with him, after i already found out everything after a year of her denying it and lying to me.. still with her after all this time, not because i want to be, but im lost, i feel she will never change. There is plenty more to this i just dont know how to fit it all in. Im deeply devasted in many ways and just dont know what im even doing atthis point, i just wanted to be loved by someone who i thought would love me back the same, it seems it will never be. Sorryfor the long post, i really dont know what to say.

Welcome to SI and sorry that infidelity has been part of your relationship. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as the unpinned posts with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

Two books that are highly recommended are How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? A trauma-informed therapist may be very helpful for you. Also, you may wish to see your doctor and be tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty things out there.

This might be a time to evaluate where you are and what you want in a relationship. From what it sounds like, your WW (wayward wife) is a serial cheater and she will have a lot of hard work to become a safe partner. You may wish to see a lawyer and see what D (divorce) would look like for your situation

I want to say I’m sorry you have been cheated on multiple times. It appears as though she is a serial cheater. Which means that w/out professional help the cheating most likely will continue.

You are her safe space. She knows you will take her back. You are her reliable go to person and she counts on that.

I’d suggest professional counseling separately for each of you. I can tell you my counselor was a lifesaver during my H’s last affair. Even if the cheater refuses counseling, you go anyway. It will help you figure out what YOU want in life and how to achieve it.

I’d like to say that your cheating partner is not cheating on you because of you. You didn’t do (or not do) anything wrong. There is something inherently wrong with someone who repeats the same patterns (lying and cheating etc).

That being said, there are some great articles in the Healing Library here at SI and threads specifically dealing with serial cheaters in the I Can Relate section.

I would suggest dime books for the cheater to read but I don’t think it would help, especially if they are ignored. It just brings you more pain.

Keep posting here - you will get great advice.

I'm sorry Johnlol, but I agree, your wife is a serial cheater. Some people are just like this, it's what they are. We can beat our heads trying to figure it out but we can't. It's like trying to understand why a dog is a dog and a cat is a cat. Because they are. People, including you, I guess can fall off the tracks and cheat, if it's a one off thing we might be able to figure it out and do something about it. A person can change. I don't think serial cheaters change - yeah, theoretically anyone can, but what is likely? The likelihood is that this is how she is, it's how she's wired. Maybe she gets bored, or wants validation, or some kind of different sex, or whatever but....it's not something you can do anything about. It's what she's like. You can either accept this, which I HIGHLY did not recommend....you'd never be happy but some people try open relationships for a while and they almost invariably fail. Or you can just acknowledge that this is what she's like and this is what you can expect and move on, which is what I would do. I know it's hard with kids but it's not gonna get any better and sometimes it's easier when they're really young. It just become a natural thing for them that their parents live apart.

I wish I had some kind of solution for you, but when people are fundamentally different in this area, I don't think there is any. It is what it is. There's also the old saying, you lose them how you got them....she's been like this from the start.

Go see a lawyer and see what divorce looks like for you. Life will start to improve once you make up your mind and get out of the Limbo stage. Good luck, and keep posting here. We care.