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My husband and I have been together 15 years, married 8. 10 days ago I found out that whilst away on work trips in another country over a period of 5 years, he has occasionally been so drunk that he has ended up in compromised positions with women (including a one night stand) and downloaded dating apps. This is completely out of character- none of his friends have ever seen him act this way. I found out by seeing tinder gold on his paid subscriptions in his app store, and demanding to know everything.
He says its alcohol driven, but I am so confused why he hasn't stopped drinking if this is the cause. He's just kept putting himself in stupid situations.

We have had a very happy relationship and I honestly can't put what he's told me, and his character together- it just doesn't fit.

We have suffered family bereavement during this time, and I often told him I didn't think he had confronted any of the pain we'd been through, so I've been wondering if it's trauma related.

Whilst I've asked for space to grieve, he's booked himself in to individual therapy, told family and close friends for accountability and support, cancelled all work trips for the foreseeable, and spoken to his boss about reducing his hours.

I am utterly devastated. But also entirely confused. He's taking all the right steps by himself for accountability and healing... And I truly want him to get the help he needs. If we can understand how it got this way, am I in denial to hope we can reconcile?

[This message edited by AppleTree1 at 12:56 AM, Monday, August 18th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There are some posts that are pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. There are also some posts that are great resources that aren't pinned to the top of the forum and you can find them by looking for those with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has lots of great resources. The ICR (I Can Relate) Forum has different threads to fit different situations.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a trauma-informed therapist can be very helpful for you. YOU have now been the victim of trauma. If you're having trouble eating, be sure to stay hydrated and drink protein shakes if you aren't able to eat. If you're having trouble with depression or sleeping, please see a doctor for meds. Please be tested for STDs/STIs, as there are some nasty things out there that will turn into cancer and kill you.

Your WH (wayward husband) should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Infidelity by Linda MacDonald. It's fairly short, and is a good blue print for what he can do to help you heal. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (You can read both, too.)

Your WH needs to work in IC to understand why he let himself do this. There's nothing you did or didn't do that caused him to do this. He did it because he wanted to and the alcohol excuse lowered his inhibitions so that he did. That part is for him to fix.

R (reconciliation) is a lot of hard work. First, your WH has to do the work to become a safe partner. Many times, it is going to take consistent actions over time...and that isn't going to be a few weeks. Watch his actions and make sure they remain consistent. If he's been doing this for 5 years, then he has some serious work to do.

Have you asked him for a written timeline of his behaviors with as much detail as you need? For example, on this date, why were you on Tinder? Does he have any other subscriptions? He should also be sharing his passwords with you and have electronic transparency.

So sorry you're here.

The universal WHY. Every bs asks this and, sadly, the answer is because they wanted to. I have never asked my h anything about the cheating he did early in our marriage. It would be painful to watch him try to find a reason that sounded safe. I KNOW he did it because he wanted to. In my case I was a young mother with no marketable skills and by the time I had them he had grown up enough to behave himself. I did not cause it anymore than a meteorite did. That is what you must face.
Do not let yourself stay stressed out. It causes horrible things to your body as it stays in the fight or fight mode. You should reach out to a dr if you can’t sleep. Please do not use alcohol or any substance not prescribed by your dr. There are meds to help with sleep and anxiety.
I am so very sorry you have joined this club. The membership is in the billions.

Downloading an app and paying for a subscription isn't alcohol fueled loss of impulse control.

Thank you for your replies.
I do have a timeline - but the electronic transparency is a good idea too.

I am 31(F), have a strong career and a great support network...I am terrified of starting again, but know I have the foundation to do it if I need to. I am just completely determined to make the best decision for ME. I thought I had already chosen my person for the rest of my life and realising that may not be the case anymore is disorientating and devastating. Whichever way this goes, I need the closure of IC...we will either end up with a stronger relationship with better communication...or I choose a new life and a fresh start.
It's a lot.

You are not in denial. You have outlined a very clear set of facts and behavioral pattern.

Unfortunately for most of us here at Surviving Infidelity the reasons our spouses or partners cheat is because they wanted to. They thought they could get away with it. And for some time they did.

Unless the cheater takes full accountability and shows remorse (not regret), then you may not happily reconcile. Your H needs to make amends and let me be very direct - it’s not for 6 minutes or 6 weeks or 6 months — it’s forever. It’s until you have restored trust (which takes years if possible).

You are young enough to re-start your life. If you are going to live in a state of constant stress and fear he will cheat again, then maybe Reconciliation is not for you. You don’t want to spend years living like that.

Can he change? Yes if he really wants to. My H woke up and recognized the disrespect he showed me and changed his whole attitude towards marriage. He has created very good boundaries (on his own as part of making amends.

I didn’t tell him what I needed or what needed to happen to R. I left that up to him. IMO he had enough "brain cells" to cheat so he should channel
That towards reconciliation. My recovery process was watching WHAT ACTIONS he took, not what words he spoke.

In order to reconcile he must be willing to dig deep to understand his motivation. If he won't or can't address this neither of you will properly heal and you can be in danger of finding yourself in the same situation again down the road. Ask me how I know.

I agree with the earlier poster who said this alcohol driven. That is just an excuse.

Also, just a thought to explore, is he perhaps a secret porn abuser? This was the secret I did not know ow when my husband started using dating apps and then progressed to hookup apps. I learned this abouy him recently and have done a lot of research and it is shocking how many men get pulled into this and then stray. I had found evidence of dating/hookup sites over the years, but had no clue that he abused porn off and on for 25 years which led to the escalation of seeking actual women.

Knowing this doesn't make it any easier, but helped me start to understand the patterns.

Just a thought for you to explore.

I wish you the best as you start the beginning of unfortunately a long journey.

Thank you for your thoughts. I am so sorry you all have experience with any of this, but appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Super early for me on this journey. I guess there is not a great deal I can do right now, other than wait to see how he approaches and reacts to therapy and the action plan he's made.

Does anyone have any advice on how to set boundaries in these early days? We are currently living separately and only communicating about logistics and things like house maintenance. We have agreed to only speak in person about this topic to prevent misinterpretation by text, and he's made himselve available any time I want to do that. I'm just not sure how long this should be for, and when it will become detrimental to any potential reconciliation.

Thank you for your thoughts. I am so sorry you all have experience with any of this, but appreciate your thoughts and advice.

Super early for me on this journey. I guess there is not a great deal I can do right now, other than wait to see how he approaches and reacts to therapy and the action plan he's made.

Does anyone have any advice on how to set boundaries in these early days? We are currently living separately and only communicating about logistics and things like house maintenance. We have agreed to only speak in person about this topic to prevent misinterpretation by text, and he's made himselve available any time I want to do that. I'm just not sure how long this should be for, and when it will become detrimental to any potential reconciliation.

My advice on boundaries is this: it is up to the cheater to prove to you that they understand what they did has devastated the betrayed spouse and blown up the marriage.

It is up to the cheater (IMO) to figure out the boundaries on their own and prove to you they are worth reconciling with.

If the BS (betrayed spouse) tells them do X or Y or Z, you have no way of knowing their commitment and willingness to make amends. And if it’s not the cheater’s idea, who knows if they stick with it.

On the other hand if the cheater willingly makes changes and sets their own boundaries then you have a barometer to work with. You can see that they "get it" and understand the damage they caused. And that their actions indicate a commitment to the marriage.

You don’t want to end up being the marriage police. And if you say "no hidden apps" and have to monitor that, then you hurt yourself even more. But if the cheater is open and honest and making an effort and says " here is the PW to my phone and you can look at it anytime" then it shows that they get it.

I am usually in the minority on this point but I can share that this is what I did and it worked for us. The cheater knows right from wrong IMO and should be able to do this on their own.