SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are many BSes here that have reached your stage in the process who have gone so far as to invest in a voice activated recorder to protect themselves from delusional allegations. I am not saying your wife would do it out of maliciousness, but the human mind goes to great lengths to keep being the hero in their own story.

I have more thoughts OP, but I must admit the fact that you had a "work wife" troubles me. It may even make you a mad-hatter.

I don't get calling anyone else your wife, even w the adjective "work" put in front of it.

ETA: I may have been off in my last post, in that this woman you work with, is not actually your "work wife". (I am sorry but the phrase "work wife" seriously gets up my cackles up. Especially since so many affairs start at work. It's NOT a cute or an innocent phrase at all.)

I think a lot more happened between your WW and POS other man. I do hope you keep moving towards Divorce as you have been doing.

My wife started calling her my work wife around the same time she started calling AP her work husband (and their affair started). I’ve been reading the Not Just Friends and other similar books, and regarding me and the woman I work with, no lines have been crossed or, really, even approached within a mile.

It sounds like your wife is not ready for reconciliation. I believe real reconciliation requires truth.

If she is truly interested have her re read "How to Help Your Spouse ..."

She created this mess, she needs to step up and take responsibility for her actions.

I still think you should have a conversation with the OBS, if she’s up for it. I get the feeling she’s been told a ‘lite’ version of events. Probably far less than you already know about.

Thank you for clarifying, @AllThatJazz.

Friend, you are right now living with the Evil Shrew-Lady. The question you ought to be asking yourself is how the hell do you get yourself out of this. I'd lawyer-up if I were you.

The good news is that you have nothing to reconcile with. Trust me, the should I/shouldn’t I dilemma will eat you alive. You have nothing to work with.

I do think that if the boyfriend’s wife was told then it’s the right thing to do to text her and say let’s get coffee. You two have some level of interpersonal relationship and running with full transparency and ethics is who you need to be.

I waited five months before I told the wife of my wife's AP and I regret waiting so long. I was scared and didn't know which way was up, scared to do anything that would upset my wife. Selfish of me IMO.

In hindsight I am relieved I told her. She deserved to know.

Your wife is attempting to protect herself. Oh well. Affairs have consequences. I would tell

I was lucky.
I didn't have to tell the other BS.
The AP was fired and lost everything, medical insurance, retirement, everything.
He's the one who had to explained it to his pregnant wife why it's all gone.

AllThatJazz:

Time to cut through her bs... contact and consult with at least 3-4 family law attorneys and gain their insight as to what a divorce entails in your state. You know your WW best as to how she would react if you told her you will be contacting attorneys, so it's your call as to whether to inform her of your actions. Do what is in your best interest. I would advise you not too.

Since she's not giving you anything to work with, start talking to your wife about possible custodial plans and asset division (sell the house and split proceeds vs. one party buys the other out..etc.) I think your WW is trying to wait you out, allow rugsweeping to kick in (her thinking- you got your rocks off with your month-long fling, we're both at fault, equally, here yada yada yada) and she just has to weather this out and hope for the best with AP & OBS that it doesn't publicly explode.

It's not 'real' to her yet. Since she has disrespected and abused you the past 8 years, why should she change? Disabuse her of this notion, start letting her know you are planning to be free of her but you want to keep it amicable for the kids and the future graduations/weddings/funerals you may see each other at.

Maybe she changes, maybe you both can save this... just remember what you are trying to save... a relationship where she disrespected you for close to a decade.. do you really want to 'save' that?

If you launch off and then end up back in the same spot you know you're going in circles.

AllThatJazz....just wondering how your situation is going? Do you have any update? Your story was quite compelling. Trust you are staying strong.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I had weeks of vacation time to burn so I’ve been doing fun things I like to do.

The situation is currently this: OBS knows. I contacted her to see if she would like to talk, and she thanked me and said not at this time, but maybe in the future. I completely respect that. I’m getting a vibe that this isn’t his first time stepping out on her, and she seems to have a strong lock on his movements (I haven’t bumped into him in 2 months and it used to be 4-5 times a week).

Rumors are spreading, some true, some false. My wife is like someone sticking holes into a leaking dam. I’m polite and nice to her, but I feel nothing at all toward her anymore. She is being very affectionate and no nagging. I removed my wedding ring and no longer answer "Love you too" when she says "I love you" to me. I did drop a "I know" once to amuse myself.

But should probably be doing something, but right now I’m kind of at peace so I’m going to chill for a while and watch as her world burns down. Then I may do something.

I’m pretty damn apathetic now, so it doesn’t really matter what happens.

Kudos for opening up communication with the OBS. Also for detaching from your WW. She is still caught up in what the consequences will mean for her. Now is the time to continue focusing on yourself and your kids.

Have you consulted with a lawyer? You can make decisions on your own timeline but it sounds like divorce is becoming a very likely outcome.

As I'm.certain you know, the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. As I became indifferent towards my WW, she panicked. For her whole life, she was center of her universe and it never occurred to her that others would not think likewise.

I'm sure your WW us panicked and desperately wants you back in her orbit. Remember, it's not about you. It's about her and how the situation (she created) affects her. Stay strong and work on you.

Small update. I am still feeling apathetic and indifferent. Not just toward my wife, but to life in general. One of my adult children gave me some news this week that should have put me through the roof with excitement and joy, but I feel nothing. (Yes, I am in therapy and have been long before all this started.)

My wife has responded to my indifference by isolating herself and doing her own thing. Essentially, we are back to doing the exact same daily routine we always did before this all happened. I go to my space and she goes to hers.

She said a few days ago that she understands it could take me years to get over this and forgive her, but she is not sure she can mentally handle that long. I think I just shrugged in response.

We aren't really working on "us" anymore. She still says she is doing all the things she is supposed to. I guess I just don't care enough to notice.

On a completely different note: I've been thinking about the logistics of getting my own place. I realize I have not paid a bill or had to deal with utilities or any of that kind of thing for 16 years. She has always taken care of that. I was never good with money before we got married. I'm sure I'd be much worse now. I'm leery that going out on my own is going to bring me to financial ruin, especially after looking at apartment rates and house prices now.

ATJ, I remember when I first separated from my WW. We nested for a year and then I finally got my own apartment. Finances were tight and I had to work extra jobs on the side, but my kids and I always seemed to have just enough. Budgeting finances became a game for me and by using a daytime, I was able to ensure every bill was paid on time. The irony was, once I got rid of the dead weight of my WW, budgeting became easier. It turned out that she had been the problem with our finances as she is impulsive and cannot project longterm, something that has been confirmed post divorce.

Don't be freaked out about being on your own. There are plenty of tools to help you out there. My government's financial department provided me with a free budgeting spreadsheet that really helped. I ran various scenarios through it from renting to buying to retiring, just to see the numbers. That was helpful in my decision making. You might want to try that to speculation your future might look like.

She said a few days ago that she understands it could take me years to get over this and forgive her,

2 to 5 years for you to heal from her betrayal. Forgiveness could come next month or it might never come, but it’s separate from your healing, or whether or not you reconcile.

but she is not sure she can mentally handle that long.

So she couldn’t handle a marriage in which no infidelity had been committed and now she can’t handle the fallout of wrecking one with infidelity. That must really suck for her. It’s a real shame that fate chose only those two options for her/s.

We aren't really working on "us" anymore. She still says she is doing all the things she is supposed to.

So her working on herself has revealed that she doesn’t have the fortitude to continue working on herself? It’s early days. R is a very long road. I’d take note of her lack of enthusiasm.

I've been thinking about the logistics of getting my own place. I realize I have not paid a bill or had to deal with utilities or any of that kind of thing for 16 years. She has always taken care of that.

You should familiarize yourself with your finances post haste. Find out how much is coming in and going out. Check your credit score.

I realize I have not paid a bill or had to deal with utilities or any of that kind of thing for 16 years. She has always taken care of that. I was never good with money before we got married. I'm sure I'd be much worse now. I'm leery that going out on my own is going to bring me to financial ruin, especially after looking at apartment rates and house prices now.

Have you consulted with a lawyer yet?

(Note: the following advice is only contingent on whether a lawyer has given his/her approval based on the laws of your state)

What's stopping you from taking control of your financial life? I would immediately open a separate bank account only in your name and then redirect your employment paycheck to your new separate bank account. Tell (do not ask) your WW that you will pay half of any valid household expenses (mortgage/rent, utilities, cable/internet, joint debt, etc.) after she shows you the bills. Come up with an agreed amount per month for groceries. Start examining the mail looking for bills and credit card statements... hopefully she has given you open access to her email accounts, so you can also look there if she pays bills online. If she can commit sexual infidelity, she can damn sure commit financial infidelity.

Close any joint credit cards that you have shared with your WW.

You need to get the full picture of your financial affairs. This will also help you plan how to budget for the future if you decide to divorce/separate... the only real unknowns at that point would be the amount of child support or spousal support (if any) either one of you would be paying based on the laws of your state. Again, you need an experienced family attorney to advise you what those amounts may possible come to (at least a ball park figure.)

I previously advised you to make 'it real' for your wife. The above steps listed will further this process. When you discuss this with your WW, keep emotions out of it-- it's purely business. Do not let her dissolve into a crying mess... if she starts this, tell her you will give her 30 minutes to compose herself and then you will continue the conversation, be cordial and professional but not mean.... again it's purely business at this point.

You seem to be detaching from your WW-- this is great.

BTW how's it been with your kids since the WW told them of her affair? Have they processed it yet? Be on the look out for potential alienation from your WW. You wrote that she has started to re-write the marital history--- has she attempted this with the kids?

Stay strong AllThatJazz.