SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm unable to see it any other way. Cheater getting reconciliation smells like a victory. They got to
have their fun and still kept their relationship. They got away with it. Betrayed partner never gets
justice, since only God can right the wrongs. Hypothetically, even if BS steps out on their "remorseful" WW,
relationship was already crapped on by the cheater, so what's the point.

Sounds like you have some feelings you need to work out. Why don’t you share your story with us?

Best response I’ve got to this is the parable of the prodigal son. Read it and decide for yourself. The way I see it, yes, the wayward wins, but only if they can walk the path of humility. But the betrayed can win, too, having a loved one restored to them as if from the dead. This is not a zero sum game.

There are a lot of ways R can deviate from the narrow path needed for this kind of win-win. But I believe it is possible. People here say it is so, and I believe them.

I'm unable to see it any other way. Cheater getting reconciliation smells like a victory.

If you really want the WS to suffer, then "reconcile", by that I mean stay married, and then treat them like shit for the next 40 years. Create a house of woe filled with guilt, shame, retribution, score settling, and general misery. Then you can win whatever competition it is that you are referring to.

What competition is that?

I'm with BluerThanBlue. I'll add:

If you want justice, end the relationship. Most BSes are free to do that.

I see no way to 'right the wrongs'. D doesn't do it. R doesn't do it. Even if some power can create an alternate world in which the BS is not betrayed, there's no getting away from the fact that the BS was betrayed in this world. A BS has to accept that their loved one betrayed them.

The WS always gets away with cheating - and always bears the consequences.

What competition is that?

Amen

I reconciled for the sake of our 2 month old baby. I have bad separation anxiety and couldn't bare to be away from him. I completely get this though. It feels like he's had his cake and has eaten it. I'd have run a mile if I hadn't of had my son. It feels like it's destroyed me and he's still living his best life, I feel a lot of hate for him everyday.

I'm assuming that you are still in the early part of your journey. I felt very much like you do early on in the process. I wanted something to balance the scale so I could feel like there was justice, and if I couldn't feel healing then I wanted my WW to feel even worse pain then I did. I think this is just a natural stage we must pass through on our way yo a better place.

My journey involved ending my marriage. Simply put, my WW extinguished those very characteristics in her that made her attractive to me. What remained was not enough to repair the damage. In fact, she wasn't interested I doing the work. She just wanted things to go back to normal, or at least better.

My real healing journey began about 1.5 years after Dday2. It was then that I got my own space and I could start doing thecwork of processing. I'm about 7+ years on now and I'd say I am largely healed, whatever that means. The memory of the affair and cheating doesn't bring within pain, only annoyance. I see utvas one even among many that has shaped my narrative. I guess you can say I found peace.

I can't speak to those BS's who choose to remain with their WS, so I hope others come along and give you beter advice. All I can say is how you feel now is not how you will always feel. You will heal , albeit it is not a linear journey. I hope for good things for you.

I get this. My WH got to go on a transformative journey since DDay and became a much happier person. All at my expense. He's the type that thinks cheating brought us closer together--more like stopping cheating brought us closer together.

You can't get justice with infidelity. And the BS loses either way. If you R, they got it all consequence-free. If you D, you lose half your time with your children, your house, your lifestyle, etc.

It's something I struggle with too.

I get why it might feel that way, like the cheater got to have their fun and still keep the relationship (sometimes I still feel this way), but I don’t think reconciliation is some kind of win for a WS. It’s not a prize for them. If it’s real … that means it’s hard, humbling, and both people have to actually want it and be willing to work for it.

The cheater doesn’t just "get away with it." If anything, they have to wake up every day and face what they did … the damage, the loss of trust, the constant and consistent work to rebuild the relationship. None of that feels or seems like it would constitute a win. As for the BS, we are the ones holding the power to decide if there’s even anything left worth rebuilding.

I agree with you in the sense that there’s no justice and nothing can ever undo the betrayal. But genuine reconciliation efforts aren’t about rewarding bad behaviour. It’s about whether both people can face the damage caused and still choose to fight for something better.

I’m not so sure about that.

I’d hate to be a cheater. I’d hate to wake up every morning and look in to the eyes of my spouse and know I destroyed them for? Nothing!. I’d hate to look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am, a coward, weak, immature and stupid. I’d hate to look at my children and realise that I completely took out and floored the person who they relied on 100% for emotional support. I’d hate to see the person who I love, crying and begging me every day to make the pain go away, knowing that I was the one who caused it.
I’d hate to live with the knowledge that my spouse owes me no loyalty and live with the fear that they could walk any time they want to.
I’d hate that the person that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with will never trust me 100%, because I’m a cheater, I won, I get my trophy, now let’s raise a glass and toast to the winner.

I’ll bet that champagne tastes like piss.

Agree with these responses. Great perspectives.

Cheater getting R feels like a victory to you. They got away with it. Well, I am newly divorced from my cheating ex husband, who walked away free of me and the marriage, with a ton of money plus spousal support, a nice new house, our summer home, a new dog, and a new girlfriend. Some would say he got away with it, too.

Point being, there is way to right the wrong, as another poster said. The betrayal happened, and our partners showed us what were capable of in that moment. Nothing - not R, not D - can make that go away. The unfairness of that thought can be crushing, and I wrestle with it regularly. Someone just recommended the book The Tools to me, as it's about helping people move forward despite life's unfairness. Haven't read it yet, but it sounds like a useful premise for many of us on SI.

I like InkHulk’s comparison to the parable of the prodigal son.

Only problem is, I never understood it. If I was the brother that kept my nose to the grindstone, I’d be pissed at my brother, and pissed at my father, too.

Yes cheaters can win whether you R or D.

If you D and you have to pay alimony and divide your assets with the cheater, in effect they win.

If you R and are unhappy about the situation and the cheater is living their life whistling Dixie, then in your mind they have won.

I’d hate to be a cheater. I’d hate to wake up every morning and look in to the eyes of my spouse and know I destroyed them for? Nothing!. I’d hate to look in the mirror and see myself for who I really am, a coward, weak, immature and stupid.

I think this sums it up perfectly. I see my H bending over backwards to show me he loves me and made the biggest mistake of his life. I know he regrets it.

So I think it all depends on how you want to look at things. My company works with a large number of formerly incarcerated individuals. People who made bad choices and mistakes and now want to do better in life. Make a difference. Stop the violence and poverty etc.

Many people deserve a second chance. That is what R is. A second chance to build a better marriage so that everyone is happy and safe etc.

If you harbor resentment towards the cheater, and it affects your relationship, then perhaps R is not for you.

I think I "won" in the game of life. Much to be thankful for. Forgiveness is not easy but it can help you achieve happiness and peace.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:19 PM, Sunday, June 29th]

At its core, infidelity is self-destructive. I understand why many betrayed spouses feel as if the cheater "wins" whatever. I disagree. In order to cheat (at anything), the cheater must sacrifice his integrity, honor, self-respect, self-esteem, and the respect of others. He loses more than he gains, even if he fails to comprehend this simple truth.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:40 AM, Monday, June 30th]

"Point being, there is way to right the wrong, as another poster said. The betrayal happened, and our partners showed us what were capable of in that moment. Nothing - not R, not D - can make that go away. The unfairness of that thought can be crushing, and I wrestle with it regularly. "

Many of us can relate to what you shared Arnold. I am very sorry you are going through this.

Also …

" I’ll bet that champagne tastes like piss."

As a divorced betrayed, there are times when I know exwh is drinking Champaign and it is my life that tastes like piss. I think people vary in their ability to feel things like remorse, shame, empathy. My guess based on his behavior is he has no second thoughts about what he did.

I wish us all much peace and healing. This is hard stuff….

I get this. I do. Its why the whole process is called the shyt sandwich and it has been discussed ad infinitum here and on other sites. There is a terrible price to pay regardless of R or D. In the case of attempted R (unsuccessful in my case), Ive oft wondered how much more of the betrayeds soul had to be sacrificed on the altar of reconciliation. One BH voiced this to their WW by saying that they would never know how much of their pride and self worth was killed in the R attempt. It seemed to shock the WW.

Now, the pro R crowd will say, they need more therapy, attempt emdr, attend support groups, but I still say it doesnt mitigate all. I postulate that there will remain a large "dead zone" in the betrayeds soul and no amount of resuscitation will bring it back. The BS just learns to live with the new reality. Years after Dday, one WW on this site said of their BH, "His smile no longer reaches his eyes." There it is.

Its just the cost. This is why I adjure every newly betrayed to count that cost before attempting R, but sometimes you just have to find out for yourself (I did).

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:38 PM, Monday, June 30th]

It’s hard for me to see it that way, because something deep inside me refuses to see human relationships as a zero sum game with winners and losers. I have my serious struggles with resentment as much as the next person, and so much about infidelity is deeply unfair, but I don’t see my husband as winning anything. Even in cases where the cheater comes out on top by some metrics don’t feel like a win to me, because I would never want to be in their shoes. I know a couple of real life situations where the cheater has dumped their family for shiny new person and gets the way better end of the financial deal, while the betrayed is scrounging to hold life together and raise the kids. Even in those cases I don’t see it as a winner/loser situation, and I would do much rather be the betrayed with my sense of integrity intact. And in my own case, I’d rather be me than my husband. The "fun" he had was limited, and the pain and chaos he sowed was legion. And the betrayal did great psychological damage to him as well as me, even if the type of damage is very different. And even in cases where the wayward spouse comes through with relationship intact and doesn’t really feel remorse or do any work on themself, is being that shallow of a person really a win?

All that said, I’m five years out from DDay, and this is coming from that distance. It would’ve been very hard for me to feel or articulate this stuff early on. The pain is just too overwhelming to make heads or tails of anything. Whatever your situation and wherever you’re at in the healing process, I’m sorry it’s so hard.

I get it. It is a total mindfuck. And it is haunting.

At the end of the day, R or D is a personal unique decision.

My Catholic Self always had an issue with the Prodigal Son story. As I aged, I get it from the Parent's Perspective as his return as a changed man is the answer to the parent's prayers and dreams. But I also identify with the hard working son and that is the ultimate bitch slap from his perspective.

I postulate that there will remain a large "dead zone" in the betrayeds soul and no amount of resuscitation will bring it back.

Damn DobleTraicion that is just well said. And true. But while that is true, it is up to me to either live in that dead zone [which I won't lie and say doesn't exist] or live in the light and bright areas of myself which are far greater than that dead zone. That dead zone exists and must be acknowledged. It doesn't have to take over. I did not cause it. However, I can control weather or not it spreads or takes over. I keep it edges shored up. It takes effort and work. It also takes effort and work not to resent that effort and work.

At the end of the day, R or D, I'm betrayed either way. I'm scarred either way. I hurt either way. I have to choose to thrive every damn day. R or D won't change that.

I had to ask myself the old Ann Landers question - are you better off with him or without him. At the time, looking at the whole of it all, I chose with him, so I attempted R.

R is going well in the Land of Chaos. And I am stronger knowing I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

"Damn DobleTraicion that is just well said. And true. But while that is true, it is up to me to either live in that dead zone [which I won't lie and say doesn't exist] or live in the light and bright areas of myself which are far greater than that dead zone. That dead zone exists and must be acknowledged. It doesn't have to take over. I did not cause it. However, I can control weather or not it spreads or takes over. I keep it edges shored up. It takes effort and work. It also takes effort and work not to resent that effort and work."

So very, very true Chaos. This is an amazing articulation of my experience too.