SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just feel so… weak. I grew up in the "be a man" era, and I really don’t feel like much of a man these days.

Maybe rethink what your definition of a man is.

Montreal,

Actually you can tell your next partner the truth, because of your decency and honesty.

Your ex has a bigger problem, she can't tell the truth to future partners.

So her future relationships will start off with a lie after her OM dumps her or cheats on her.

She is also lying to your kids right now, likely her own extended family as well.

Thanks again for all the replies. It was her birthday last week, and I guess I was just feeling sorry for myself. I guess recovery isn't linear - time to pick myself back up and keep on keepin' on.

You're all right, I need to work on reframing things. Reframing my idea of what it is to be a man, of who she is and where she is at, of who I am and where I'm at. Most of all, I think I need to reframe who I was. Was I scared? Yes. Could I, should I, have done things differently? Also yes. Did I stay for the wrong reasons? Probably yes, but I'm going to put this one in the non-therapist-approved "not going to think about it" box. Instead, I'm going to go back and hit that gratitude journal with all the good things I got from staying. And there were a lot. I need to remember that. I need to reframe my marriage so that I don't think of it as "weak-ass man stayed with cheater" but more along the lines of "I'm so glad I stuck out the 'for worse' part because of all the great things that happened during those 12 years."

Well, I'm going to try anyways. If it were easy, everybody would do it, right?

Oh, and Bigger, hypothetically speaking, asking for a friend and all that, if one were so inclined (not me of course), where would one find these braincell-bereft-botox-bimbos? For, you know, science or something?

🤣

[This message edited by Montreal at 3:59 PM, Sunday, June 1st]

Haha!

Good you took it in the tone I intended...

I’m no prude nor frown upon two independent people enjoying each others company or bodies.
I can share that about 6-8 months after my d-day (I left the relationship on d-day) I started a rather intense "if it moves, have sex with it" period. Thankfully my job at the time meant I couldn’t go out every weekend or even week, but when I did, the goal was to not go to bed alone but preferably wake up alone.
It’s an easy goal if you simply lower your normal standards.

One day I woke up beside a very nice young woman I had hooked up with the previous evening. We were both very clear on this being an ONS with no romantic attachments. We had a nice chat, drank some coffee and then I got her a cab. I was so conflicted when she left – it was nice enough, but so shallow. Didn’t leave much behind and she was really nice... like relationship nice... I think I realized then the truth of my above statement:
It’s an easy goal if you simply lower your normal standards.

Only... its not as if you are lowering the standard of potential sex-partner, but your OWN moral standards on how YOU act.

What about that bleaching. Going for it?

That... would be a bridge too far...

What I find interesting is that we, as betrayeds, let the cheater hold so much power over us.

We strive to be the best we can be in their eyes. We believe them when they cheat and then BLAME us, the betrayed. We are devastated when they tell us everything that is wring with us and why they cheated.

And we believe it.

We allow ourselves to be judged by people who have betrayed us.

One thing I’ve learned from my near D is to stop letting other people’s opinions weigh so heavily on me.

Recently my business partner up and quit. Out of the blue. I’m trying to have a conversation about accountability and commitment to our biggest client, he/she got mad and quit. And I’m ok with that. It was inevitable IMO. But I know he/she went and told family & friends & probably mutual colleagues what an A-hole I am.

In the past that would have really bothered me. For years. Now? Really don’t care. He/she can live the lie and play the victim.

If you don’t allow yourself to let other’s opinions hold so much weight over you, you have arrived at a place where you can choose your own path. I’m not saying you live without a moral compass and become a selfish jerk. I’m a "do the right thing" person and will go out of my way to help others whenever possible.

But……I don’t allow jerks and idiots to impact my life any longer. I was a former people pleaser and that included my H. His affair opened my eyes 👀 and showed me that I needed to stop being a doormat for him.

You're all right, I need to work on reframing things. Reframing my idea of what it is to be a man, of who she is and where she is at, of who I am and where I'm at. Most of all, I think I need to reframe who I was.

Was I scared? Yes. Could I, should I, have done things differently? Also yes. Did I stay for the wrong reasons? Probably yes, but I'm going to put this one in the non-therapist-approved "not going to think about it" box. Instead, I'm going to go back and hit that gratitude journal with all the good things I got from staying. And there were a lot. I need to remember that. I need to reframe my marriage so that I don't think of it as "weak-ass man stayed with cheater" but more along the lines of "I'm so glad I stuck out the 'for worse' part because of all the great things that happened during those 12 years."

Well, I'm going to try anyways. If it were easy, everybody would do it, right?

Good man.

I like "reframing" but do you know what I like more? Displacing.

What I mean by that is literally forcing the past to lose its grip on your present by filling your time and thoughts up with new experiences, relationships, events, etc. Fill up that calendar on your phone with new and the old will absolutely loosen its grip on your present. I forced myself to do this and it really helped. I started out unenthusiastically, but pretty soon, I started enjoying my life much more so than before when I was ruminating on what I saw as my failure in my betrayal (I know, I know, it was on her but you get it).

Keep at it. You'll do well.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:40 PM, Monday, June 2nd]

Carpe Punctum.

Oh, Montreal! My story is so similar to yours, right down to the 12 years from the first DDay (that I know of) to affair #2. My XWH was the stay at home parent to kids now 22 and 19, and we navigated teenagers and Covid same as you, and then I got a big promotion and raise (like your XW). While I was doing that big new job, XWH was starting another affair, and when I found out last Christmas, I divorced him. The kids are with me and haven't spoken to their father since Christmas. I'm paying spousal support, so he's getting a nice "reward" for his infidelity...grrr.

Anyway, here are some of the perspectives I keep in mind, if they help you reframe:

I gave him 12 years that I can't get back, but I have my freedom from his toxic nature now, and I'm going to make the most of every second!

Instead of being humiliated by his second affair, it has empowered me. It let me walk away from the marriage with confidence, knowing I had done everything possible and more to make the marriage work while his actions were destructive. And if he had an ounce of self-awareness, he'd be humiliated by what he's done.

One difference in my situation from you is that my kids know the whole story (they are the ones who caught him in the latest affair). They couldn't be more proud of me for acting with integrity and strength. Have you considered talking with your kids, not in a "bash the ex wife" way but in a "here are some important facts) way?

After DD#1 I told no one except my sister, and I suffered basically alone. I wanted to protect WXH, on the assumption that he'd do the work and we'd successfully R. This time around, I've prioritized my own well-being. There has been no shame in telling friends, colleagues, neighbors what happened, and their support has been amazing. A simple "XH has been unfaithful, and I chose to divorce him" is all it takes. And if they ask about the kids, I say "XH has not contacted his kids since December." People are smart and fill in the blanks.

I posted a message the other day sharing that XWH and his new girlfriend (not the affair partner...he's moved on from her, too) ran into my daughter's friend at the ice cream shop where she works the other week. The second he saw the friend, XWH turned around and walked away without a word. The fact that a grown man can't face a 19-year-old in an ice cream shop shows that deep down, despite the shiny exterior and good-guy-with-a-new-girlfriend facade, he is ashamed of himself.

Wishing you success in reframing and moving forward from this difficult moment. From what I can tell, you've handled the situation incredibly well.

XWH and his new girlfriend (not the affair partner...he's moved on from her, too) ran into my daughter's friend at the ice cream shop where she works the other week. The second he saw the friend, XWH turned around and walked away without a word. The fact that a grown man can't face a 19-year-old in an ice cream shop shows that deep down, despite the shiny exterior and good-guy-with-a-new-girlfriend facade, he is ashamed of himself.

This is better than karma IMO.

Montreal I think that you have been given some great advice. Instead of feeling like you need to take the " blame" in this situation, you should look to recognize that you are the one being victimized.

And that’s not ok.

You are entitled to live a life free from infidelity — and free from the drama and pain that has been inflicted on you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:23 PM, Saturday, June 28th]

Don't try.

Do.

I remember some of your first go-round on SI. That includes not agreeing with your choice but thinking you showed a lot of strength in making it. I thought you knew the risk and accepted it, and I still do. That's 'manly' in my book.

I'm sorry your M didn't end the way you wanted it to. I imagine the feeling of humiliation is normal, even though it is not at all earned. I'll agree Your W rejected with you as long as you agree she was a lot more satisfied with you than with her quickly rejected aps. I don't say that as consolation but as indication that her problem was with herself and maybe her aps (since they ALWAYS affair down), not with you.

You let fear get the best of you? Many, if not most or even all, of us have done that in our lives, and we likely did it in our Ms at one time or - and - another.

It looks like you're coming out of your funk. Note that you're doing that. The results build on themselves. You're still in the deep dark tunnel, but that light you think you see is the exit.

Crying on the bathroom floor? That's you healing, feeling the pain and letting it go. I imagine you feel as if you'll carry the pain forever, but if you keep letting it go, you'll release it - forever.

Recognizing that you got worse than nothing from your W over the 12 years and that you got a lot from life is a good step. A grandkid and a good relationship with kids are TREMENDOUS payoffs.

If you really want a hot car, I hope you get one.

*****

I fault the therapist who recommended talking because talking built bonds for not drawing the logical conclusion that anger and defensiveness from one's partner is a sign that the bonds can't be built and that the bond-builder needs to consider a new plan. That would have saved you some years of pain.