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I would strongly suggest the consequence/boundary of her dropping this foul "friend". I know you’ve said she can’t hang out there - not nearly enough imo. This other woman is poison! I’d demand she cut off all contact with this old hag.

Oh, c'mon... tell us how you really feel!

Bet you anything it’s because this witch has come to hate all men, and as such, you qualify for her vitriol.

I hadn't thought about that. You might be onto something there.

"This witch..." lol.

I hear you loud and clear, and that's probably sound advice, but I'm letting it slide. I know what they talk about and it's generally harmless, tho her "friend" doesn't seem to understand why I have an issue with my wife hanging out there anymore. One of these days perhaps I'll explain it to her in my own words...

It blows my mind that she's been cheated on and went along with my wife doing it without even any protest. Foul friend and witch indeed.

*Edit: fwiw the witch doesn't know, and has never actually met my WW's AP outside of seeing him when she shops at the store. It's just coincidence that he lives somewhat close to her. She apparently was a little hostile to him when she did see him on my wife's behalf, but whatever. She was fine with him before d day.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:14 PM, Saturday, June 21st]

She was fine with him before d day.

One of the many crowd-sourced points of wisdom from victims of betrayal is to demand the adulterer to drop any friends that in any way supported the betrayal. Much more so for those who actively participated in the betrayal, as this "friend" did with you. Why would you want your wife to be under ANY kind of influence from this woman? She is NOT neutral towards your marriage. She (at least was) an active ENEMY of the marriage. What makes you think she’s now changed her tune? She doesn’t know you. Clearly has zero loyalty or even basic human decency toward you.

It’s your call of course, but you’re making a mistake on this one imo.

One of the many crowd-sourced points of wisdom from victims of betrayal is to demand the adulterer to drop any friends that in any way supported the betrayal. Much more so for those who actively participated in the betrayal, as this "friend" did with you. Why would you want your wife to be under ANY kind of influence from this woman? She is NOT neutral towards your marriage. She (at least was) an active ENEMY of the marriage. What makes you think she’s now changed her tune? She doesn’t know you. Clearly has zero loyalty or even basic human decency toward you.

It’s your call of course, but you’re making a mistake on this one imo.

I know you're right about the general wisdom. She has stopped going there, and isn't even trying to test that boundary. They don't talk much, and when they do I know what they talk about. She used to go there a few times a week before d day and hasn't been back since. I won't budge on that boundary either. I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about her being an enemy of our marriage, and I think my wife is slowly starting to see it that way, too. They don't talk often, and she's starting to come around to seeing she's not as good a friend as she once thought she was.

If this is a mistake then I'll find out, but I do think it's going to fade to the point where they'll eventually stop talking altogether. I'm not letting up on the pressure to just drop her altogether. She's been respecting every boundary and really going out of her way to try to demonstrate that she's a safe partner again.

There's one more wrinkle to this story right now, too, in that my wife's mother is currently in the hospital and not doing great. So I've been putting some of this stuff on the back burner for now. Speaking of whom... she's very close to her mother, and her mother knew about the affair while it was happening. She told my wife she was making a big mistake and that she needed to drop the affair and work on patching things up with me the whole time. However, she never told me or warned me about it either... I have some mixed... well, not so mixed feelings about her mother now. I appreciate that she tried to talk her daughter out of it, but I'm pretty upset that she never said anything to me about it. Her mother took a sort of "I don't blame you, he (me) drove you into his (AP) arms, but you need to stop" approach. What's the take on that? It's her mother. It's not like I can easily tell her she has to cut her own mother out of her life. Especially now that she's having medical issues and is in a pretty delicate state right now.

I haven't had words with her mother yet, and probably not anytime soon. At least until and if she gets back on her feet, but that one really stung. I've always gotten along pretty well with her mother. I know she did try to talk some sense into my wife, but I'm pretty pissed that she didn't come to me and say anything. Plus the "I don't blame you" bullshit...

To my wife's credit she says she disagrees with her mother she knows I didn't drive her into anyone else's arms. She's taken full responsibility for her shitty choices, but still... fuck.

Triggers suck!

In most cases, the best way to deal with triggers is to disarm them. This requires a bit of introspection. I would spend however much time it took to get to the root of the trigger, figure out why whatever it was that was triggering me, and then decide (as well as I could) whether or not that particular issue was really worth all of that time and energy.

Triggers are usually about past events and not things currently happening. It feels real, immediate, and often overwhelming, but it's not real.

Your WW put her bestie in a very, very difficult situation. Whatever failings this friend has is her problem, not yours. Did she make the best choices? Probably not. However, in those types of situations, there are no good choices. It's all bad. And for what it's worth, I doubt this friend could have talked your WW out of her affair. You can't reason a person out of something they didn't reason themselves into. In the end, even if prodded, she told you the truth, even if she suspected doing so would end the friendship.

I'd say the same is somewhat true with you MIL. She couldn't talk your WW out of the affair, either. As for her silence... well, parents, you know. Our kids are always (usually) our first priority.

This friend's house is just a place. It has only the significance you give to it.

It's great that your WW respects your wishes and has limited contact with her friend. Infidelity has consequences, no doubt about that. However, as I've learned from reading from plenty of wayward spouses, the price of reconciliation cannot be infinite.

It looks Like you made it thru this latest trigger and that is good. Over time they will become easier even if they never fully go away. That’s why communication is the key and you should never stop discussing them as they come up.

It seems she is being vigilant in supporting you when they come up too. That is good.

As for the friend who was part of the AP,
I agree she shouldn’t see her again and needs to accept that if she wants to be a part of this marriage going forward (forever). Sounds like she might be accepting of that as well. It may be painful but she should blame herself for that, not you.

Her mother took a sort of "I don't blame you, he (me) drove you into his (AP) arms, but you need to stop" approach.

First of all, please resist the temptation to sweep her mother’s actions (or lack thereof, in this case) under the rug just because she’s ill. I agree it’s not a time to confront her but you don’t need to support her either. Consider telling your wife you won’t be visiting her mother unless she has a strong desire to apologize to you. Some will argue this is merely "blood thicker than water" but unfortunately your MIL became antagonistic to your marriage by not demanding her daughter stop - WELL BEFORE the adultery - when she first learned of any threat to your M. If she was in the loop the entire time, your MIL should have warned her daughter she’d tell you if your W even flirts with that OM.

Until your MIL recognizes her evil choices, I’d minimize contact. I’d also warn your wife to never adopt her mother’s attitude, as a hard boundary.

This is her best friend, tho, and I'm dreading the day when she asks to go there again. Like I said, she's been avoiding even bringing it up for my sake, but it is her best friend. Am I wrong for feeling guilty that she's cut off her visits? Am I wrong for not wanting her to go there? What do I say if or when she brings it up and wants to see her friend again? I already know it's going to drive me up the wall.

Well, this came to a head last night and this morning. Sort of. Her friend has been pressuring her to come over and my wife tried testing the waters a little bit. I stood firm. She backed off immediately, and is continuing to respect the boundary. That was last night. This morning her friend is starting to use guilt tactics on my wife and insists she should either drive over there (even tho she knows she's driving restricted and could have a seizure behind the wheel), or suggested that I drop my wife off up the street to avoid a trigger by bringing her straight to the house. Which is just fucking ridiculous. It's not her house that triggers me. It's not even so much the location, tho that's part of it. It's the entire scenario and her involvement in it. My wife has explained this to her. "Well, he's not very happy you went along with what happened, or that you sent him on a wild goose chase that night." Plus she knows my wife isn't even driving right now.

To my wife's credit, she told me that if this friend refuses to understand our situation then she's ready to just end it altogether. Which is fine with me. My well being and our marriage is more important to her than that friendship. She's actually starting to get aggravated with her now, and is close to telling her to fuck off if she doesn't back off. It's always been a bit of a lopsided friendship to begin with anyway, and this woman has always been on the taking side. She drives, and has never offered to pick up or bring my wife home out of all of the times she's gone over there to help out, and you can bet I pointed that out. I've always driven her there and picked her up. Every single time. Ugh... I'm triggering myself right now.

Anyhow, it at least didn't turn into an argument. Tho things got a little tense for a few "I could ride my bike over there if you don't want to take me." Uh... no. She dropped it. She's still playing ball. She's the one who dragged her friend into this, and her friend was plenty accommodating. Like I said, I stood firm, but damnit, I still feel bad about it. I feel like I'm dipping into controlling territory and making her lose her best friend. I basically flat out gave her an ultimatum. I think this might be the beginning of the end of her friendship with this woman in its entirety. I'm just hoping there isn't going to be any resentment toward me down the road over it. If there is, it's not going be good for us. I guess I'll find out just how sincere she is about wanting to make this work. Some here might think I'm a little too quick to want to reconcile this soon, but I'm also pretty damned stubborn. I do very much want to R, but like I said before, not at any cost. I will stick to my guns.

[This message edited by Pogre at 5:52 PM, Sunday, June 29th]

Some will argue this is merely "blood thicker than water" but unfortunately your MIL became antagonistic to your marriage by not demanding her daughter stop - WELL BEFORE the adultery - when she first learned of any threat to your M

I've since been told her mother didn't know anything about it until after the PA started, which lasted 2 weeks. She still didn't tell me about it, but did tell my wife to end it and make things right with me.