One Big Dig
Yesterday, my psychiatrist asked me to put myself in my wife's shoes, as an "assignment," and let him know what I would do if I were her.
After the session, I became triggered and asked for clarification whether he was referring to the past or the present. After not hearing back from him, I emailed him and copied my wife—we both recently saw him for several sessions, and I needed to be honest with her. I wrote the following:
Thank you for seeing me this morning.
I'm copying M. with this email because I understand that marriage requires honesty and transparency.
Perhaps I’m overthinking your assignment, but I’m finding myself triggered and anxious. I’m uncertain whether you want me to put myself in M.'s shoes decades ago, when she began her infidelity, or today.
Concerning the former, if I found myself compelled to get into someone’s bed absent any contact with them anywhere other than at work—weeks before our wedding day—I would certainly not have proceeded with our "wedding." I would have honestly explained that I’m not ready to marry. Most importantly, I would never have proffered vows that were utter lies.
If I were to put myself in M.'s shoes today, I would recognize that the only way for my spouse to overcome and heal is with honesty. I would share the whole truth—not trickle truths and lies—to preserve "my dignity." I would accept that my choices have destroyed my spouse's life—and take immediate, responsible action to make things right today.
I’m trying to accept M.'s infidelity—living with her in the absence of trust. The days are challenging, and the nights are painful. It remains my hope that someday M. will put my need to hear a consistent, truthful narrative over her need to "bury" decades of betrayal and deceit that continues today.
Thank you for being there for me.
Well.... After not hearing my wife's thoughts on the email, I calmly asked what she thought. She stated, "That was one big dig!" Admittedly, I decompensated worse than I ever have, told her to get the F out of the house, punched the wall, and was ready to hang myself. I thought of my mother and my promise to turn to her first if I were ever not safe.
Fast-forward. My wife left the house, drove around overnight, and ultimately returned home. I apologized for my egregious comments and behavior.
Here's my dilemma. I shared the email with my psychiatrist, who just met with us, and my wife, because it was how I truly felt. I thought that modelling authentic, honest sharing of feelings might stimulate the same in her. Apparently, I was wrong.
I would welcome and appreciate your thoughts about this. Thank you, friends.
—Betrayed and trickled to death for over three decades.
22 comments posted: Saturday, October 18th, 2025
In Crisis
I am in trouble and need help. Don't know where to turn.
9 comments posted: Friday, October 3rd, 2025
Trickled to Death
Good morning, friends.
I just bounced over from my post in the General forum. I was astutely advised that I might be less triggered here.
Long story short. I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 17. I've never been with anyone but her, and now I'm 62 and she's 60. Weeks before our wedding day, she "slept" with a "man" from work. She was reportedly intimate with him for at least 2+ years and maintained contact via phone and letters through at least 12 years after our wedding—25 years ago.
Despite her actions, I am in love with her, and we are working to make things work—now, seeing my psychiatrist together.
Here is my problem, and I'm hoping to have the benefit of some of your insights: My wife has never told the same story twice. Every single time she speaks about him, there is a changing narrative. I’m having difficulty coping with reality, when I don’t know what reality is. Without honesty and full transparency, I feel like her changing stories are a continued betrayal.
How do you suggest I cope with this?
Thank you.
72 comments posted: Wednesday, September 17th, 2025
Please help. I'm new here and broken.
Thank you for accepting me into this forum. I'm hurting and don't know where else to turn. Here's the concise version. Found out my wife had an affair beginning weeks before our wedding and continuing for at least 12 years—that I know. We are high school sweethearts—met when she was 15 and I was 17. I have never been with anyone other than my wife, and I'm beyond devastated. More than the pain of her infidelity is her lies. She has never told the same story since I learned of the affair and stumbled upon a love letter from her boyfriend. I have read everything I can find about the dangers of trickle truth, and I'm living proof. I'm in love with a liar and have no desire to live without her. I've been under psychiatric care with two different doctors for decades, expressing the same feelings week after week. It was in the last session that my doctor referred to her as a con artist. I have sent my wife every article I could find about the importance of truth and transparency in order to overcome. Nothing stops the changing narratives. I'm beyond broken and need the help of others who have walked in my shoes. Thank you for reading.
89 comments posted: Sunday, September 14th, 2025
