Me BS (57)FWW (57)DDay 3/10/2015 Married 35 years, together 39 2 kids, both grown.
What I think I have learned 10 years+ past Dday
A few days ago, while waiting for the elevator to go to my car and pick up my fWW from work after a long day...(we carpool now.) I was thinking about some of the threads I have read on SI and some of the best advice I got here by reading and learning from others. Here is what I think I have learned.
1. It (the A's) were never about me or my shortcomings. Nothing I did or did not do lead to her bad decisions and her having a multiple A's. (luckily for me none were long term, some were physical, but not brutally physical)
2. At least in my case, the reasons for her A's were, for lack of a better term, behavioral illness. She was depressed and had huge issues that came from her FOO. As those issues were addressed, our relationship became more solid, and so did she.
3. I had to re-frame what forgiveness meant. It was not forgetting, it was not acting like it did not hurt, it was letting go of the debt for the most part. But it could not really work until she understood what she had done to her, to us, to our family. Then she had to really be sorry for her actions. And she had to do what it took to get healthy. That took time. I understand now that there is no way to right the wrong, no way for her to really make amends. But for us to make it, I had to let the debt go, but not rugsweep.
4. So here is the hardest one, and it relates to number 1. As personal as it felt, it was never personal. I wish I could explain that well. I will try. As a betrayed spouse, your first instinct is to wonder what is wrong with you that she would pick these other people. You look inward for a part of you that was broken and deserved this. (maybe deserved is too much) but what is wrong with me, that I am not enough for my spouse? Being the BS makes any insecurity fire on all cylinders. The engine of your own self-esteem or lack there of, is off to the races. When I understood that there were things I could have done better as a husband, I also understood that being a better man, spouse, friend, you name it, would not have made any difference. SHE was the one that was broken. It was her issues that lead to this, and she had to work on her issues in order for us to have a healthy marriage.
So to sum it up. It was never about me, it was about her, and in order to be successful in R, she had to find a way to fix what is broken. I had to stay strong and not blame myself, and when the time was right, I needed to forgive her, and move forward.
I would be interested in what others who have really reconciled have learned.
1 comment posted: Tuesday, August 19th, 2025
