SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello my SI friends,

As per title I’m just sick of it all, I’m tired.
We went to visit his father and I got triggered, then again and another couple of triggers then we got home and I erupted.
I miss myself, I look at myself now and I nolonger recognise me.

Before we went to visit I told him that I knew what I want, but there were terms and conditions, he accepted my terms and conditions and I also wanted to get rid of my old journal, it’s full and I don’t want it in the house, first I needed him to bear witness to my words before it was destroyed. He did, so did I, some of the things I’d written I can’t remember at all.

I really do want to see what we can build together from these ruins but I’m not entirely sure I’m capable, I can’t for the life in me get a hold of triggers, I try so hard and I burn out and I don’t even like myself anymore, I try to be kind to myself.

It’s not just what my H did, the prostitutes, the affair, it’s the years of carrying everything and the emotional neglect, 25 Fking years!, he had 25 years to see me but he had to cause catastrophic damage before realising what he actually had. Our boys, he didn’t stop to think of what this would do to our boys. It all just sucks arse.

For a decent amount of time now my H has been consistently doing his best, he’s accountable, talks about anything at anytime for however long without flinching, he still makes mistakes here and there but nobody’s perfect. I’m starting to think that whatever he does will never be enough because my brain will never STFU and stop scanning, I should put an end to this suffering.

It kind of feels like I accept what my H did, I know I can’t change it but I have no idea how to live alongside it without it sideswiping me.

I don’t know how to fix myself, I’m sick of getting taken down.

Aside from buying a cattle prod, any recommendations?, do I need to go back to therapy?, read more books?

Hey Bruce.

Did you notice when you get throw off center and when you are instead centered and at peace?

What are the feelings following and preceding those moments?

Thank you BFTS for your reply,

What usually knocks me off is reminders of my previous 25 years of marriage, so how he used to be or anything that confirms that things haven’t changed.

What triggered me over there was a comment from a family member who said I quote ‘leave him here now, he belongs here, go back to England on your own, you don’t need him anymore your kids have grown up’. My H wasn’t there and because I’m not fluent in that language I have to think of what I need to say etc so just left it, I told my H and he said don’t let that POS effect us, she’s worm food and evil. To me it just reminds me of how his family have always been with me and I think am I really still here listening to this shit?.

In the airport he pissed me off again, our eldest loves fragrance, boutique ones and I’ve never seen them in airports, they did have them in a little kiosk there and I took a picture and sent it to my son to see which one he wanted, he said which one but the lady in the kiosk was rude and said hey no pictures please, you are not allowed to take pictures, I was about to explain but she cut me off and said no pictures please. I just walked off, my H said aren’t you buying one for him?, I said I don’t know what he wants because I can’t take pictures, at that point I would not have had one given for free my H turned round and said thank you to her and it made me so angry. This reminds me that he will always put other people’s comfort before mine, what was he thanking her for?, being an awkward bitch?. I asked security why there was no pics allowed and he said that pics are allowed and he doesn’t know why she said that.

Then I get pissed that I’m even still explaining what I expect from him, I explained it the other way around, he got it and then was apologetic but it’s too late by then. I explained that I will not stay married to a nice guy, I don’t want a nice guy.

I guess I’m most centred and at peace when I’m just living life really, I can start overthinking when I’m not busy do I try to keep busy or have plans. I do have really good days where I don’t think about what happened at all, if I do it’s for a split second, I just tell myself that’s a memory from the past and that is not happening now and I happily move along. I think I go and collect triggers and or reminders and let them accumulate until it all feels too much and by then I’m already done with everything. Once I’ve had an explosion of explaining my feelings then I feel better but then I feel disgusted in myself for not dealing with things better than I do, I beat myself up because I recognise I have fallen in to the same pattern again. Rinse repeat.