SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

While I have been faithful to my wife for the whole 20ish years we have been together, in my youth I was an AP to my first wife, who left her husband to marry me. As that marriage fell apart, I made out with another woman and left my wife the next day... and had a serious gf after I got divorced who was... married. So 2x AP, and perhaps a days worth of being unfaithful... not sure if that qualifies.

I suspect your former wife’s husband and the other betrayed spouses involved would have considered you wayward. I’m not sure how that works in the forum if you’re wanting to post or respond to something.

Perhaps... I mean I often feel like I have insight I could add, but I am a rule follower at heart so...

I kind of feel it should be that I can't, but that should be more explicit for something that can get you banned from the forums forever. If its a grey area that comes down to how a mod interprets it, that isn't a very comprehensive standard.

That makes sense. I can see why you’d want the distinction to be explicit, especially if it’s something that could result in a permanent ban. I suppose the question is whether the forum defines "wayward" by what you did or by whether you were the unfaithful spouse in your own relationship.

Do you consider yourself wayward? I’m just wondering whether posting in wayward-specific threads is necessarily beneficial if you don’t identify with that side or perspective.

Not for 25 years, but I would argue there may be "waywards" that no longer consider themselves a wayward. Even if the label still fits because they are with the betrayed spouse.

I think there can be a lot of valuable insight that comes from having experienced infidelity from different sides. It does seem like your perspective these days leans more toward the betrayed side, though, and I wonder if that sometimes gives you a different lens than what people are looking for in the wayward-specific discussions.

Or maybe it gives me a little more detached clarity.

Sometimes I can look at an affair and see past a lot of the smoke people throw around it. I can see people trapped in self-loathing, avoidance, reactance, shame, and the thrill of the forbidden, acting out a script that may have very little to do with whether the marriage itself was good or bad.

They do things they never thought they could do, or should do, because the affair is serving some internal function for them. Escape. Transgression. Avoidance. Becoming someone else for a while.

That does not remove responsibility. If anything, I think understanding the machinery makes responsibility clearer.

So yes, my perspective today is heavily informed by being betrayed. But I also think having seen infidelity from more than one side sometimes helps me separate what was actually happening inside the person from the explanations they may initially give for it.

I mean this very respectfully because I do understand what you’re saying, and you obviously have firsthand experience from the other side as well. But there’s a reason the reconciliation and general threads exist. I think many betrayed spouses also develop the ability to look at an affair with some detachment and see beyond the explanations being given for it.

And I say this kindly, but in your recent post on being "capable," I noticed there was a lot of "they" and "them" when talking about what a wayward should do, and not much "I" or "we." I think that may be part of why your perspective reads to me as more informed by the betrayed side, even though you have that past experience from the other side.

Of course, this is more of a mod question.

You’re welcome on my threads.