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I know a lot of people have posted about having moments where they see something that triggers them and brings their thoughts to DDay or just those thoughts just appear out of nowhere.

How do you all address them with your spouse.

I ask, because I’ve noticed I will become extremely withdrawn when those thoughts appear. And I understand my wife is feeling guilt, shame and embarrassment from DDay. However, she can tell when I get withdrawn and start to shutdown. Obviously, she feels as if she had done something wrong at that specific moment. However, it has nothing to do with that moment, but moments that occurred months ago. The last thing I want to do is add to those feelings of guilt and shame.

Is it better to express to her that I randomly have started to think about DDay. It’s easier if there is a trigger, but random pop up thoughts? It makes it seems like that’s all I think about then. Or maybe I’m overthinking this?

Is it better to express to her that I randomly have started to think about DDay. It’s easier if there is a trigger, but random pop up thoughts? It makes it seems like that’s all I think about then. Or maybe I’m overthinking this?

I think it's difficult for a wayward spouse to even begin to understand the damage that they've done. I had mine read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. I thought she did a good job explaining what it's like for the betrayed spouse.

Another book that I recently read, Are You Done Being an Ass Hole? by Kit something-Kincaid (maybe) lays it out a little more bluntly (a LOT more bluntly). That's a really short book, and the wayward husband is a super hero with the way he stood by and took his lumps and helped his wife heal. I think that would be a great example for a wayward spouse to see.

It is often difficult to live an authentic life, to allow yourself to be vulnerable, open and honest. This is particularly true, I think, while trying to survive infidelity and reconcile at the same time.

Triggers and intrusive thoughts are going to happen. It's just par for the course, you know? When they happen, you shut down and your wife notices. You wonder if it's appropriate to share and she wonders if she did something wrong. This leaves you both wondering, which doesn't really help much, does it?

I think it might help to share with your wife what you've just shared with us.

Virkant
Part of reconciliation should be having the security of telling your partner what’s bothering you.
Sort-of like telling her that right now you are having flashbacks, suggesting or sharing what’s triggering them and being open to suggestions on how you two can handle them.
At the same time, she should be open to listen, offer support and suggest ways to mitigate the triggers.

The crucial part is to recognize the validity of the triggers/flashbacks and to work on recognizing them for what they are and how to deal with them. For example: If seeing infidelity on TV causes flashbacks then maybe you two both agree to watch something else – acknowledging what causes that change and why it was made. Or you watch it holding hands – emphasizing in a symbolic way your efforts to reconcile. In all instances it’s done together and in the open.

I can take a personal example: For nearly 18 years after d-day and more than a decade after I left that town I would avoid the most direct route from my childhood home to the airport, because it drove past where I caught my then-fiancé with OM. For me that big apartment building was a trigger. Eventually (after treatment for PTSD) I made it a mission to go there and touch the front-door. Sort-of an act to acknowledge the trigger, but refusing to let it control me.

Unhinged,

Triggers and intrusive thoughts are going to happen. It's just par for the course, you know? When they happen, you shut down and your wife notices. You wonder if it's appropriate to share and she wonders if she did something wrong. This leaves you both wondering, which doesn't really help much, does it?

I think it might help to share with your wife what you've just shared with us.

I honestly thought the intrusive thoughts had gone away, but unfortunately, they did reemerge. But like you said, it expected in such a situation. And you're very correct in assessing the situation. I did bring it up to my wife about my shutdowns and how she would like me to address it. Made it clear my intentions isn't to hurt her. Which she told me exactly what you stated, she would rather have me tell her it's about that than thinking she did something in that moment.

So, it was a productive talk which I think we should have had a while ago.

[This message edited by Vikrant1993 at 9:59 PM, Sunday, October 19th]

Asdf,

Another book that I recently read, Are You Done Being an Ass Hole? by Kit something-Kincaid (maybe) lays it out a little more bluntly (a LOT more bluntly). That's a really short book, and the wayward husband is a super hero with the way he stood by and took his lumps and helped his wife heal. I think that would be a great example for a wayward spouse to see.

Thanks for the information. I truly appreciate it!

Bigger,

Part of reconciliation should be having the security of telling your partner what’s bothering you.
Sort-of like telling her that right now you are having flashbacks, suggesting or sharing what’s triggering them and being open to suggestions on how you two can handle them.
At the same time, she should be open to listen, offer support and suggest ways to mitigate the triggers.

The crucial part is to recognize the validity of the triggers/flashbacks and to work on recognizing them for what they are and how to deal with them. For example: If seeing infidelity on TV causes flashbacks then maybe you two both agree to watch something else – acknowledging what causes that change and why it was made. Or you watch it holding hands – emphasizing in a symbolic way your efforts to reconcile. In all instances it’s done together and in the open.

I appreciate your feedback. I did ultimately talk to her about it. She received it well and encouraged me to always be open to what I'm feeling about stuff, especially when it relates to the situation.

I understand what you mean with triggers. There was in the beginning and like you said stop watching that specific show or movie, etc. I think it's really hard with intrusive thoughts, but I do understand moving forward express what's going on to my wife, because it will help with reconciliation.

So, it was a productive talk which I think we should have had a while ago.

That’s awesome! Glad to hear it. I know it's a cliché and all, but learning to communicate, and to earnestly listen, is critical in R (and generally important in life).

Am going through exactly the same thoughts and triggers. Unfortunately for me, my WH is burying his head in the sand with it now and cant cope with how much he has hurt me and squirms when i try to talk about it all. Which is totally wrong. But What Bigger says is absolutely spot on. Im having alsorts of triggers and a big one for me is the upset that I was right all along with my intuition regarding the OW and everything that's gone on

Sending love and hugs