MrsB135 (original poster new member #85861) posted at 11:32 PM on Friday, June 27th, 2025
Hi all
Looking for some more advice please… I got responses previously about my husband’s long term affair, lies and me going back on numerous occasions believing he’d stop. He didn’t - the final straw was me hiring a PI and catching him in a car park with his AP who is 21 years younger than him… Following our separation nearly two months ago, things are difficult - he has asked to come back home on lots of occasions which is like emotional torture - promising changes and all the things he promised before!
I’ve agreed to him having the kids two nights per week, which he asked for and is on a Sunday & Monday night to suit his work requirements. He has now asked for Tuesday as well, because he is all of a sudden really flexible at work even though he never has been before. I’m trying to be reasonable but my kids are still struggling with the adjustment and I have been their primary parent while he’s worked 75+ hours per week for years, gym 4 times per week and a year long affair… but now he can make time? It’s another blow. I’ve refused 3 nights at the moment on the basis that I have been consistently present, and I didn’t blow up our family - I feel like he’s doing it to prove he’s a great dad.. he’s very present when he is with them, but that has been rare over the years, and I struggle to see how someone is so great when they treat their children’s mum so terribly. I’ve said we can review it in future - do you think this is fair? How much can he actually take from me - I don’t want to be away from them two nights nevermind three 😣. We’re also in discussions about assets, which he is being difficult about because a house which he inherited before the marriage is on the table and he is furious that I might be entitled to half of it… and he is texting the kids iPads every morning and calling them every night which he never did before. He’s cried to them, says he misses them all the time, said he didn’t want to leave.. they’re 10 & 7 - it’s not fair. Also acts like a victim and that this is entirely my decision - he’s surprised this is the end result, and justifies his affair saying he barely remembers any of it and that he obviously wasn’t in the right mind because that is not who he is and I know it. How do people move forward - do things settle?!
I find myself hating him, then very sad, and ultimately protective of my kids because he has been the one to threaten their wellbeing and mine.. but I need to coparent amicably with such a human? How is that possible…
NoThanksForTheMemories ( member #83278) posted at 12:55 AM on Saturday, June 28th, 2025
Have you spoken with an attorney? They can advise you on your legal rights in this situation. If he is going to push boundaries and drag the kids into the middle of it, I suggest you find out how you can legally protect the emotional health of your children and yourself.
Also acts like a victim and that this is entirely my decision - he’s surprised this is the end result, and justifies his affair saying he barely remembers any of it and that he obviously wasn’t in the right mind because that is not who he is and I know it.
This part I can't help with because mine is currently behaving the exact same way! My therapist recently advised me to become a "broken record" - i.e. be very clear and direct and just keep repeating the same things until he gets it, including that it harms your children for him to behave this way with them.
WS had a 3 yr EA+PA from 2020-2022, and an EA 10 years ago (different AP). Dday1 Nov '22. Dday4 Sep '23. False R for 2.5 months. 30 years together. Living separately as of Mar '25.
leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:59 AM on Saturday, June 28th, 2025
Where I live, parents with minor children are required to go through a parenting class as part of the D process. Check the family law website for your area. Ours had a lot of free information available.
My kids are adults, so I didn't have to do the class. I didn't look at many of the resources, but checking the website might give you an idea of how things work but be sure to check with a lawyer.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 10:48 AM on Monday, June 30th, 2025
I am glad he’s more involved with the kids but it could be too little too late. If he’s trying to be the "Disney dad" all of a sudden where it’s all fun & games and no rules, then you may have to address it.
It could also be on the advice of his attorney to show what an " involved parent" he is. So when he asks for 50-50 custody he can get it.
Just stick to what you think the kids can handle for now. If one overnight is good for you & kids, then it’s one overnight. For now.
When kids get older they may be able to make their own choices. But for now you have to decide what is best for them (and you to some extent).
He needs to STOP telling the kids his tale of woe. That is manipulative behavior and you need to get that to end immediately.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:32 PM on Monday, June 30th, 2025
He has now asked for Tuesday as well, because he is all of a sudden really flexible at work even though he never has been before.
I know this varies greatly depending on your location, but my first thought was he is trying to set a precedent. Meaning, if you are entering into legal agreement, he can say "Well, I have them 3 days a week so far so it is best not to disturb their routine"
We’re also in discussions about assets, which he is being difficult about because a house which he inherited before the marriage is on the table and he is furious that I might be entitled to half of it…
Are these discussions through legal counsel?
