SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What if we rephrase the OP's question?

Does admitting we are all capable of infidelity make it more understandable?

Does that also apply to rape? Since anyone is capable of rape its understandable?

Driving drunk?

Murder? If everyone is capable of murder does it make it more understandable?

Under the wrong circumstances?

This view resonates with me. We re ALL flawed and "capable" of doing horrible things such as this list. Another would be cannibalism. Plane crash in the Andes. No food, no hope of rescue…….Does Jeffrey Dahmer now get a pass? Of course not! These are totally different situations! Exactly!

But yeah, I don't think anyone is immune. They just haven't had the right convergence of circumstance, person, and opportunity yet. Some may never see that perfect storm. Maybe even most, but I believe anyone is capable now.

Again, I agree everyone is "capable", but this view diminishes the fortitude and morality very much demonstrated by people who have remained faithful.

I also hate the term "Perfect Storm" as it relates to Infidelity. Even the book and movie of this name is a great example of how the protagonist made several stupid, greedy and selfish decisions that placed him in harm’s way. He also ignored multiple warnings not to proceed and to get out of the storm’s way. Much like people who cheat, there were many, many opportunities to make different decisions and take different actions other than the ones that led to his and his crew’s ultimate demise. It wasn’t a case of "lo and behold, we found ourselves in the middle of this once in a lifetime storm with zero warnings"….

I have had dozens of opportunities to cheat. I worked as the GM of a full service restaurant that served alcohol adjacent to the campus of a huge University. The servers and bartenders were largely college age women willing to offer sex to the bosses to curry favor. Or maybe to see if they could just "bag a young married man". Who knows? But I spent WAY more time and effort fending off aggressive sexual advances during the early years of my marriage than I ever spent pursuing them when I was single. At this time I was being cheated on, had sex withheld by my wife and was told she didn’t love me. I was in my mid to late 20s. I resisted. Not quite the "perfect storm" then? Seemed pretty damn close at the time. But still I resisted.

Later in life, I was an executive in a large Bank. Again, lots of women "pursuing the boss". I would shut that shit down immediately.

It’s something I am proud of even though I have moments where I say to myself "Why did I bother to remain faithful? My wife sure didn’t. I was preserving a marriage that was dead."

But my not cheating isn’t because of my own morals, diligence and boundaries? I just haven’t experienced the "right convergence of person, circumstance and opportunity yet"?

Well, at this point, I doubt Phoebe Cates is coming out of my pool either (and we ARE the same age and she’s STILL fine) so maybe I’m safe at this advanced age……

But my not cheating isn’t because of my own morals, diligence and boundaries?

I would say that your morals, diligence and boundaries are exactly why you haven't cheated. That said...

I just haven’t experienced the "right convergence of person, circumstance and opportunity yet"?

Perhaps you haven't. Perhaps you haven't allowed those circumstances to converge. Perhaps you have never been presented with just the right person under just the right circumstances combined with just the right opportunity. Do you even know what that might be for you?

I've been married for 27 years, and while I haven't had "dozens of opportunities" I've had more than a few and managed to easily stay out of trouble. I've never kissed or even inappropriately touched or talked to another woman, tho I was tempted once. However, since I don't know what just the right convergence of person, circumstance or opportunity might look like for me I can't say for sure if I've even experienced it. I probably will never know what that looks like unless it actually happens.

Perhaps you haven't. Perhaps you haven't allowed those circumstances to converge. Perhaps you have never been presented with just the right person under just the right circumstances combined with just the right opportunity. Do you even know what that might be for you?

This is really my point with my analogy around the book and movie "A Perfect Storm". There are always decisions and actions that contribute to the end result.

It’s hard to prove I have experienced the perfect scenario to cheat since I haven’t. Do I even know what that would look like? Not really. Some celebrity maybe?

I can probably say I never have experienced because I have never allowed things to proceed to that point. I listen to weather reports, I listen to the other fishermen, I look at the skies and check the waves. I don’t drive my boat into danger.

So yes, I don’t allow all these things to converge. That’s where my morals and boundaries come into play. And I think many of us deserve credit for not allowing the "stars to align" that would allow us to cheat. Not just we’ve never experienced the convergence of a million random things that would "cause" us to cheat.

All of us are "capable" of cheating, many just don’t fall into the trap or allow it to get to that point.

ImaChump, I think you said it well when you said you haven’t allowed opportunity, circumstance, etc. to converge.

After my XH cheated, and then cheated again, then as soon as I filed for D jumped into a serious relationship with yet another woman…and I look back and suspect there were other APs…I often wondered "how could he find so many married women willing to sleep with him?" I can’t think of a single time in my decades of being with XH that came remotely close to another man flirting or showing any interest in me, so his ability to attract women seemed remarkable (if also devastating to me).

But it’s not really his ability to attract women, or that these women were like helpless moths flying toward the flame. It’s that his decisions and his character allowed the various elements to converge. He had affairs because he was willing to put himself in the position to have affairs, not because of the state of our marriage.

[This message edited by Arnold01 at 2:31 AM, Monday, October 20th]