My BP and I were together for four years and 1 year engaged. I had a three-day affair with a former situationship (two days of conversations and one day where it became physical). D-Day was July 8.
Since then, I’ve been doing extensive self-reflection, therapy, participated in support groups, reading book and personal work. I’ve come to understand that self-sabotage played a significant role in my betrayal. I never planned or wanted to cheat, but I was prideful in believing I had control over the situation. I drank with this person, I opened up about the problems and unhappiness in my relationship, received validation, and allowed myself to become vulnerable. I crossed boundaries that should never have been crossed. Regardless of my emotional state or relationship issues, I made those choices.
After D-Day, my BP initially stayed home for 1 week but eventually left our home for approximately three weeks to gain clarity then he returned with a proposal of 12 month separation, with a check-in after six months.
My BP has expressed that he fought for our relationship for years when I was unhappy by asking me to stay, only to be betrayed by the person he intended to marry. He understandably struggles with intrusive thoughts, trust, and whether he could ever feel safe with me again. Interestingly, he’s also acknowledged that he believes I made a terrible mistake and he genuinely believes I am the woman I say I am, that my betrayal doesn’t necessarily define my entire identity, but rather reflects serious behavioral issues I seriously need to address.
In August, he explained that he wanted to give me an opportunity, almost like an experiment, to demonstrate genuine change without the comfort or benefits of being in a relationship. That there might be light at the end of the tunnel if I show him the work. He explained that the conditions were more for his ability to evaluate whether he could trust me again than actual relationship-building. And of course the goal is for him to heal, for me to heal and do the work. Those conditions included remaining celibate, not dating, sharing my location, providing social media access, and continuing to demonstrate personal growth through a share note. Meanwhile, he emphasized were single so of course he would be free to date or sleep with other people. He made it clear that none of this guaranteed reconciliation and I’m not obligated to Do any of these things but His reasoning was that if I genuinely believed he was my future husband, my actions should reflect that regardless of whether we were together.
I agreed because I love him, understand the magnitude of what I’ve done, and genuinely want to rebuild trust. In August, although he was understandably hurt and uncertain, I felt there was still some willingness to leave the door open. He described the separation as an opportunity to demonstrate change and potentially rebuild trust. However, during our September conversation, our last interaction, his tone felt different. He was beginning to question why he should even give me another chance and if he’s being true to himself, if he doesn’t trust someone he doesn’t see how he can ever trust them again especially knowing I’m capable of hurting them.
When I asked why he was still considering it, his response essentially came down to the significance of our relationship and the fact that I had been his fiancée, "not his lil gf" as well as he wanted to honor what he told me in July which was to give me a chance to show him I can change. I understand that. Four years, an engagement, a shared home, and a planned future carry significant weight. I also understand that none of those things obligate him to reconcile.
But this is where my confusion begins. If the significance of our relationship is part of why he’s willing to consider giving me another opportunity, shouldn’t there eventually be some room for constructive communication about whether rebuilding is possible? Shouldn’t trying to rebuild have the same weight of significance? I don’t mean he should be fighting for me or doing the work I owe him. I betrayed him, and I understand that the responsibility to demonstrate change falls heavily on me. But how does complete NC for 6–12 months, combined with the freedom to explore other romantic or sexual connections; which he’s already doing- he’s on dating apps and posting being out talking to girls- help us rebuild emotional safety and trust?
I understand that separation can provide clarity and that he may need to see whether my changes are genuine without his involvement. But I struggle to understand how I can actively help rebuild trust between us when there’s no communication, no shared effort toward rebuilding, and no certainty that we’re even working toward the same possibility.
I’m not asking for constant communication, reassurance, exclusivity, or immediate reconciliation. I would simply like to explore whether occasional, minimal, constructive communication could help us understand each other’s perspectives, address concerns, and eventually determine whether reconciliation is something we both want.
I’m also struggling with the conditions themselves. I understand why he needs transparency and consistency after my betrayal. But remaining emotionally invested, sharing access to my life, and putting myself on hold while he is free to explore other relationships, without any commitment to working toward reconciliation, has become emotionally exhausting. I’m not okay mentally. I’ve been struggling with anxiety, sadness, and the uncertainty of everything. On top of that, I’m completely alone here as I moved to his home state 3 years ago for him. I don’t want to make decisions based on fear, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to spend the next six months living entirely on a thread while having no idea whether we’re growing toward each other or further apart.
Im afraid this experiment will only cause him to emotionally withdraw because of the betrayal and distance, and I don’t blame him for that. His feelings may have changed between August and September, and they may continue to change.
But that’s exactly why I feel the need to have a conversation now rather than wait six months.
I want to understand whether he still views this separation as an opportunity to potentially rebuild trust, as he described in August, or whether his perspective has shifted.
I want to respectfully express my concerns about whether the current arrangement is conducive to rebuilding emotional safety.
And I want to ask whether he’d be open to some form of occasional, constructive communication rather than complete silence. I’m not asking him to choose me now, promise reconciliation, or abandon his need for space. I want to respect his healing, but I also need to understand what I’m participating in and whether it’s emotionally sustainable for me.
I’ve already received very different opinions on Reddit. Some people believe his conditions are reasonable given the betrayal, while others believe the arrangement is unhealthy and one-sided. I can understand aspects of both perspectives, which is why I’m genuinely conflicted. I’ve decided I want to have this conversation, but I’m terrified of triggering him, making him feel pressured, or causing him to withdraw further.
My questions, especially for betrayed partners:
1. Would you consider breaking NC for this conversation disrespectful, even if the intention isn’t to pressure reconciliation?
2. Can trust realistically be rebuilt through complete NC and individual growth alone, or does some degree of communication eventually become necessary?
3. Is it unreasonable for me, as the wayward partner, to question the conditions or express that the arrangement is emotionally unsustainable?
4. If you requested a long separation after betrayal, what would have made you feel respected and safe if your WP wanted to revisit the arrangement?
I know I caused this pain, and I know I don’t get to dictate his healing timeline. I genuinely want to do right by him. But I also don’t want to confuse respecting his space with indefinitely putting my own emotional well-being on hold. And tbh, this experiment is affecting how much I focus on my own healing journey.
I’m looking for honest perspectives, especially from betrayed partners, because the last thing I want is to cause him more harm.
