SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi!

I am really stuck right now, nearly one year on, I feel I gave it a go and the right thing to do is walk away but I just keep thinking about how good things could be and the thought of being alone after building a life for 17 years feels like such a waste.

I don’t want to see the look on my son’s face when we have to tell him we will not be together anymore.

Simultaneously I am fighting the urge to exact revenge on the other guy. Not physically but I can shatter his credibility through mutual contacts and really mess up his life like I feel he has done to me.

I know I should just move on but seem unable to; I am constantly tired, drained and emotionally can’t take much more.

Has anybody been through anything similar?

This is called living in limbo, and it's very common. I inhabited this state for nearly 2 years. It's not easy! I felt like I was at war with myself every single day. The fear of breaking my child's heart was very real for me, and in a way, I'm glad I put off the divorce as long as I had because she was a couple years older (nearly 16) and handled it quite well.

It's not easy letting go after being attached to a person for so many years, even if they're no longer the person you married. My ex and I were aligned in so many ways, and he used to despise cheaters, but then he talked himself into believing that his situation was different because it was "just for sex." People who cheat aren't usually evil, terrible people, but they can be very bad marriage partners.

There's a saying that when the pain of staying is greater than that of leaving, that's when you'll go. Same with, "when you know, you know." I found both statements to be true for me, but it was hellish living through it. It's still painful on some days to think of everything we could've had (32 years together at the time of divorce).

Check out the "Fear vs. Reality" thread at the top of the Divorce/Separation forum in case fear is the main thing keeping you stuck.

How are you feeling about your WS - are they remorseful? Are they making amends? What make you think the "right" thing to do is walk away?

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 11:01 PM, Wednesday, October 21st]

It’s normal.

Don’t fall on the fallacy of time invested means you must stand for the abuse, it was 17 years in one lifespan, if she is not worthy, don’t waste another second to her.

Your son, it will suffer initially, but that’s his mother’s doing, he is just another victim. You staying with an unremorseful cheater won’t be any good to you, your son, anyone really.

Cheaters onl understand and fear one thing: consequences.

She cheated, she is dumped. That’s a clear consequence, accountability dropped on someone so broken they dodge any accountability.

This growin up will be a clear message for your son not to follow in his mother steps. To become a self loving, worthy safe partner, not a cheater. Because cheaters end up in the mud like his mom.

When he grows up he will know you left because his mother infidelity.
And he will loathe it.

It’s only good for him.

Unless your wife is truly remorseful and ready to crawl over broken glass, she doesn’t deserve a second from you, not speaking of a second opportunity, a second chance that nobody deserves.

Erase from your life if she is unremorseful.
Evaluate if she s. But even so, betrayal is harsh, you might give a second chance, but is not guaranteed that you will not stand this woman anyway along the path.

About the affair partner, the other guy.

He is a disgusting rat.
Got the chance to squash a parasite?
Is good, as for is worthy to squash any vermin that might infest people’s lives. He is a vermin and will do it again to someone else.

Unless consequences teach him a harsh lesson, he is exactly like your wife, 2 of the same kind, deserving each others, ready to destroy lives for a thrill of dopamine.

I am always for revenge, though is just a vermin, it will give you the satisfaction of justice being served, but don’t expect much from it about your healing, he is irrelevant, your healing is a different path.

You can do it and maybe it will teach this trash person to avoid messing in other people lives, it won’t bring you much good to you. Perhaps someone else’s will benefit from one less rat around.

Beside all the points there is only one thing that matters. Put yourself first.
Heal for yourself and your son.

To hell everything else. It’s irrelevant.
Wife and AP too. They are at the very bottom of the list of things who matter in your life.

2 people chose to become worthless.

Oblige them.

Good luck brother

I knew that for me... staying was the harder path, it has definitely been hard on me. She has done everything largely "correct" after dday, but staying is not easy. Not for me.

Thank you all for your thoughts on it. Knowing I’m not going mad or my feelings are not unjustified is reassuring.

I really do wish I could be black and white about it but it’s just nothing built. I can give others perfectly sound advice and know what I would tell them in this circumstance but doing it myself seems to be a different matter.

Unfortunately she is definitely not crawling over broken glass to fix it and would prefer to stay in denial. I mean she has always been like that so I don’t know why I would expect anything different now.

Walking away is really the only possibility which is such a shame.

It is a shame - it's sad when you've built an otherwise good life with a person, but an unremorseful WS can't be R'ed with.

Take the time you need to find the strength to leave. It's not easy!

I always say, if there are ways to bring the pain to an AP that doesn’t involve prison time. Do it. I did and while I couldn’t care less about either of them anymore (23+ years ago) I still am satisfied I did everything I could at the time to ruin his life. No regrets.

If I hear you correctly, he works at some sort of medical facility. Report him to the facility. That is very dangerous when a person in a medical establishment pursues folks in the workplace.

Your wife is not at all a candidate for recovery based on what I read in your bio.

So sorry friend.

Day by day. 🙏