SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was exposed to pornography when I was 11. I didn't know what to make of it at first, but living at home with limited internet access, my consumption wasn't too bad.

When I was 17, I moved out for my studies, and this newfound independence led me down a very bad path. This is when my pornography consumption increased significantly. Ultimately, at 19, I was hell-bent on trying real sex, but I was unable to find a relationship. This made me take a shortcut on intimacy and vulnerability, and I decided to pay for sex.

I paid for sex multiple times until I was around 22. Around this same time, I also moved to a new country and met my wife.

When we started dating, I promised myself that I was done with those habits and would put them behind me. I am a very insecure person; when I was courting my wife, she was originally interested in another person. He is taller and objectively better-looking than I am, so I always feel insecure when she is around him. One day, she, I, and some other friends—including him—went on a trip, and I felt intensely insecure afterward. This triggered me to visit a massage parlor.

She didn't know anything about my past struggles with pornography and sex workers. However, one day when we were about to get physical, she stopped me and said she wasn't comfortable for religious reasons. I didn't push further, but something inside me prompted me to tell her about my past, including the massage parlor visit (D-Day 1).

She was understandably very hurt and shocked. She said she wanted to break up. I begged her and trickle-truthed about the massage parlor visit, claiming I hadn't actually gone through with it. After a period of no contact, she decided to forgive me and try again. But I felt guilty about the trickle-truthing and told her the full truth a few months later (D-Day 2). She then decided to end the relationship, but after some time, she gave me another chance. I promised myself that I would never do this to her again.

After three years of dating, we got married, and one year into our marriage, we had our daughter. During this time, I was still consuming pornography secretly, and this—along with postpartum challenges—created a very significant crack in our relationship. Driven by selfishness once again, I justified visiting massage parlors and sex workers. After a few months of guilt, I decided to confess to her again (D-Day 3). She decided to give me yet another chance. I was deeply grateful and entirely sure that I would never do this to her again. I made a promise to myself not to let pornography destroy my life again, but alas, I fell into the same hole repeatedly.

Fast forward to last year, seven years after D-Day 3: I had started consuming pornography again in the years leading up, and during a family trip, I visited a sex worker. At first, I knew deep down in my heart that this was definitely the last straw, and I decided to keep it a secret and take it to my grave. But by June of this year, the guilt finally consumed me, and I confessed to her again (D-Day 4).

She said that this time, she didn't want to get hurt anymore. At first, I didn't want to accept that. I shifted the blame to her, saying that our marriage has been sexless since our second year. I kept begging her to try again and to do it properly this time. We had never sought professional help during the previous D-Days, so I begged her to try counseling. But understandably, she's done with me.

I didn't realise that all of this was caused by my selfishness, my emotional instability, and the very deep wounds I had inflicted on her. For 14 years, I have tormented her with my addiction. I've asked her to carry my emotional baggage, my insecurities, and my anger issues. And for 14 years, she has shown me grace and love that I never truly appreciated and always took for granted.

I've started individual counseling for my porn addiction and will continue regardless of what happens, for my own sake and for my daughter's sake.

She hasn't kicked me out of the house yet because she doesn't want to cause pain for our daughter. How do I keep respecting her decision and not fall into the spiral of shame and despair so I can still show up for here when she needs it and also for our daughter?

[This message edited by schrodingerfeline at 6:26 AM, Wednesday, September 9th]

Welcome to SI.

I think individual counseling is a good step.

I think your question at the end is shame related maybe? Some things to think about as you evaluate that as a possible cause.

Guilt is how you feel about what you did.
Remorse is understanding the damage you did to her.

Those are healthy emotions that can be a precipitous for change.

Shame is the underlying belief that you are bad/worthless. And it’s deeply rooted. It tends to be the source of both the acting out and the defensive response. It’s the thing that gets in the way.

A book that helped me see how my shame got in the way of the vulnerability I needed to build and feel the emotional connection wqnted was "rising strong" by brene brown.

I also think "how to help your spouse heal from infidelity" would be a good book for you to read.

Let us know how you progress, and keep writing. That helped me a lot in becoming more accountable and reliable to myself. Keeping a journal may be a good practice for you. Sometimes when we write it out, it helps us see ourselves more clearly.

Thanks for your reply hikingout.

It's possible that my question was shame related. This past Sunday was father's day in Australia and it was a really hard day as I feel so unworthy.

Thank you for the book recommendation. Is "how to help your spouse heal from infidelity" by Linda J. MacDonald?

I also have started Journaling as well. It definitely helps, so thank you for the suggestion.

I don’t want to overwhelm you with book recommendations, but one I think might also be of use in your individual journey is Unwanted by Jay Stringer. I don’t know your worldview, so just a heads-up that it has a Christian perspective.

Thank you for the recommendation NotMyIdentity.

I have read that book before, but clearly I didn't internalise it. I shall re-read it.

Welcome to SI, please read these posts and try not to be offended by the support given. It is hard sometimes to not get defensive or ignore advise that is difficult to acknowledge or implement. These responses are not personal attacks.

I think you have already identified the biggest issue here. You say this was caused by selfishness, emotional instability and the damage caused by your addiction. Looking at your timeline, I would agree (These are traits of a wayward).

What stood out to me was the number of times you told yourself you were done, fixed, safe.... After D-Day 1 you were safe. After D-Day 3 you were safe. After each confession you felt remorse, gratitude and determination to never do it again. Yet you found yourself back in the same place.

I don't say that to attack you. I say it because guilt and promises have clearly not been enough to break the cycle. Another wayward trait I am guilty of too.

I also think it is important to recognise that your wife is not making her decision based solely on D-Day 4. She is looking at 14 years of betrayal, secrecy, broken promises and repeated chances. At some point it stops being about the latest incident and becomes about the pattern.

In my view, respecting her decision means accepting that recovery and reconciliation are separate things. You can recover. You can become a safe partner. You can become a better father. None of those things guarantee your wife gives you another chance.

Be careful not to let shame become a way of focussing on yourself, that really damaged my personal recovery. Your wife is dealing with enough and your daughter needs you to be present.

Continue counselling. Do the work whether your marriage survives or not. Focus on actions rather than not promises. Trust is built by actions, not words. Something I had to learn myself.

I wish you luck in your recovery and please keep posting. I did not use SI correctly in the past and that was to my recovery detriment

[This message edited by Bulcy at 9:24 AM, Thursday, September 10th]

Thank you for your reply Bulcy. I really appreciate the feedback I've received so far.

I don't see any of them attacks at all.
On the contrary, you pointing out my pattern is a real eye opener for me. My head is so far up my own ass that I didn't even realise this.

I'm trying to learn to embrace the unknown. And your point about recovery and reconciliation being two separate things is something that I have to learn to accept (I know it in theory but part of me still doesn't get it)

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I will keep learning from everyone here.

I'm trying to learn to embrace the unknown. And your point about recovery and reconciliation being two separate things is something that I have to learn to accept (I know it in theory but part of me still doesn't get it)

For what it’s worth I think we all start out that way. I know I did. It’s hard to accept you may lose this person even when you know you have created the scenarios that has made that possible. There is grief in that which will go against your logic. There was love even if what you did lacks a demonstration of that. And what are the early stages of grief? Denial. Bargaining. So normal to not be able to separate it all.

What you know and what you feel will probably eventually align, but for me it took being more healed for that to happen.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:25 PM, Thursday, September 10th]