Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, May 21st, 2026
BS keeps saying that he wants to resolve our issues, but I honestly don’t know what "resolve" means to him anymore. He expects me to keep talking about our problems, but I genuinely don’t know what he wants us to discuss all the time. Then he gets upset because I don’t initiate those conversations. I’m not avoiding it intentionally — I truly don’t understand what is expected of me.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones....
Pogre ( member #86173) posted at 3:44 PM on Thursday, May 21st, 2026
Do you do occasional check ins? Even if it's not a current topic, I know I appreciate when my wife asks simple "how are you doing/feeling" questions, or "do you have any questions for me?" That kind of thing. Even if I don't always have much for a response or questions just knowing it's on her mind and a priority for her, too, let's me know she's not trying to rug sweep or wait for it to blow over.
Is there anything specific? I saw your other thread, and had a thought, but couldn't participate.
[This message edited by Pogre at 3:44 PM, Thursday, May 21st]
Where am I going... and why am I in this handbasket?
1994 ( member #82615) posted at 4:39 PM on Thursday, May 21st, 2026
He may expect you to constantly be working on becoming a safe partner, even now so many years later. Are you reading any books on infidelity? Listening to podcasts? Seeing a therapist? Journaling? Does he know you're posting here? All in all, he may just want you to initiate conversations about your breakthroughs, your challenges, etc, on the path to healing yourself.
This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:15 PM on Thursday, May 21st, 2026
Y'all using Gottman?
some issues can be resolved, others are permanent and you just cope.
Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
Ragab (original poster member #82425) posted at 9:18 AM on Friday, May 22nd, 2026
My husband refused therapy. From his perspective, he did not deserve what happened. We lost everything, while the OP lost nothing. I think he sees therapy as another loss — like admitting defeat again.
Yes, he knows I post on this forum. We check in constantly (at least it feels that way to me). We are now working together, he knows my whereabouts at all times, and he has full access to my phone, social media, and everything else.
His view is that it is "too little, too late." He believes these are things I should have been doing from the start, not now as some kind of consolation prize.
He also does not believe I have told him everything, and honestly, I do not know what more to tell him. He asks questions that do not have simple yes-or-no answers, and then says I am avoiding the question. For example: "What were you thinking when you drove to the OP’s house?" Or, like I mentioned in another thread, the issue around calling it a "mistake."
It feels like every word I use is heard differently than I intended. Eventually, it always comes back to the same point for him — that I chose not to come clean in the beginning.
Some days are diamonds, some days are stones....
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:52 AM on Friday, May 22nd, 2026
Do you initiate conversations or check ins?
Are you an open book?
Do you show up every day to make amends?
Do your action match your words?
Are you going to a counselor?
Read the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It will help you understand the situation a BS is in.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
