SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve been in a new relationship for about 2.5 years. She moved in over the summer. She’s 4 years older than me with no kids and never married. Longest relationship was 10 years with a FWB.

There had been an ongoing issue which caused me to break up once with her. She has two male friends that are in a relationship, both gay and I’ve met them both, and every so often she will stay up there and watch their dogs. Some times that are there and some times they are not. She has told me in the past she was there once at a party and there was a naked man in the pool and that she had heard the couple having sex in the home.
I told her I was uncomfortable and she told me she has been helping them for years and the dogs make her happy etc. we broke up over it. We then worked out that she would only stay there and watch the dogs when they were away . She has stayed up there when they have gotten back late and she didn’t want to leave late. It’s a constant issue. I don’t like it or feel comfortable with it. She says I have a problem cause they are gay which is not the case at all. I’ve met them both and can care less about one’s sexuality.

There have been occasions where we haven’t been able to get together because of her having or feeling the need to watch the dogs up there. This bothers me because I have very little time , two free nights a month , where I don’t have my kids. She works part time and is partially retired. I’ve told her this doesn’t make me feel like I’m a priority and she gets defensive. If I tell her how something she did bothers me she brings up issues which we’ve discussed from the past.

She has also said things to me and then denied it. One example is she said for me to turn the lights off because she likes it dark like she likes her men. I got a bit annoyed at this and offended and she made a joke about it and that she has dated black men. She has also made statements about celebrities in a longing manner which I feel is disrespectful.
Another issue came up where I noticed she was getting texts from a guy. She said it’s a guy from work and he texts her and other people good morning and good night everyday. She showed me one where he referred to her as beautiful. This didn’t sit well with me and I told her it’s weird and that I don’t like it. She defended it and said he was married , 60 and send sit to a bunch of people.
I feel disregarded and not prioritized. My feeling is if you tell someone you are in a relationship with that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable they will stop as long as it’s reasonable. I don’t know if my thinking is off because of my history of being cheated on and lied to. My gut tells me something is off and I’m not listening to it.
I really would like to hear other people’s thoughts on this. I also think I may get back in with my therapist to process this.

I read your post twice to make sure I understand the key points.

Let’s assume she’s not cheating to keep it simple.

You are feeling like you are not a priority. And from an outsider - I agree with you. She chooses to watch their dogs over the few times you are free.

Therefore at this point everything else is water under the bridge. Her comments, the creepy texts from a co-worker who calls her "beautiful" (highly inappropriate and worse if he’s married and doing that) and the other issues you have are somewhat irrelevant.

The glaringly obvious fact is that you see this as a relationship between two committed people and it doesn’t appear she is in the same page.

I think you should let this fizzle out and it appears it could be rather simple. You stop calling. And when she does call you — you keep it short and simple and don’t make plans or offer to see her. And if she doesn’t extend an offer to see each other then it’s over.

Simple as that.

You deserve better IMO.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:03 PM, Sunday, October 19th]

It seems to me that you want more from her than she is willing to give. It's perfectly reasonable to want to feel as if you're important to her. Expecting her to treat you as her #1 priority, sacrificing a part of life she enjoys, is a bit much, I think.

I hear that and I’ve taken that in to consideration as well. We live together and I have two young kids and maybe I do want something she isn’t capable of giving me

Who pays the bill for the housing, this could be the hinge...