SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My husband has been pulling away for a while now. Every time I asked if everything was okay, or if anyway wrong, he would say ues fine. So a month ago I asked him if he'd be interested in trying out marriage counseling. After his go to answer of IDK, I pressed further and said I needed more than IDk. I've felt unloved, unwanted, unhappy for over the past two years, and I needed more from him than an "I don't know". So he told me that he didn't love me any more. He didn't like me, didn't hate, just had no feelings towards me. And kept repeating how long are we supposed to keep doing this when that's how it is. I asked him if he has cheated either emotionally or physically, and he said no. He said he wasn't interested in trying to fix anything with our marriage, and was done. When I asked what I had done, he said I hadn't done anything. Over the next several weeks, as I was trying to figure out how to go through the divorce process, gather necessary information, I scheduled an appointment with a lawyer to help answer some questions. What stuff with me from that meeting was when he said people don't throw away 24 years for nothing. There is either some sort of abuse or infidelity. I said no to both of those. But that stuck with me. So a few days later I told my husband what the lawyer had said, and asked him to be completely honest with me - has he emotionally or physically cheated on me. He admitted that there had been a few. Then admitted that there was a current one. He wouldn't give me any details because he felt I didn't need to know. This absolutely gutted me. I never thought he'd be the type of person to cheat. No one would. Then he told me he'd been unhappy for the past 10 years. That also floored me. I had no clue. I was sobbing, couldn't breath or get words out, I was gut absolutely gutted. And he stood there indifferent as I'm breaking into a million pieces. Over the next several days I started snooping (something I've never done before) and found out the current affair is with a 36 y.o. (he's 50) and has been going on for well over a year and a half.He is acting like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, while I am stuck on a rollercoaster of feelings, can't eat, can't sleep, having mini anxiety attacks on and off all day, and just trying to take it one day at a day. I'm trying to be as civil as possible, and want the divorce to be as amicable and fair as possible, as we have two children (16 & 19) together. I'm trying to think of our kids and don't want them put in the middle or have to stand by and watch this turn any uglier than it already has gotten.

---UPDATE---

AP is not married.
WS has no interest in any form of counseling, nor reconciliation.
After everything that I have found out so far (each week I seem to be discovering more deceit and betrayals), I have no interest in reconciliation either.
I now want the divorce and this whole awful process over and done with as quickly as possible (although the lawyer said it can take anywhere from 6-12 months and that's with it being uncontested).

[This message edited by Dumbstruck at 1:14 PM, Monday, April 28th]

Welcome to SI and I'm so sorry that you're joining us. First, I want to point out some resources here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are great resources. Also, there are some threads that aren't pinned but do have bull's eye icons that have some great information. The Healing Library is at the top of the page.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Bonus points if they also have infidelity-related betrayal trauma experience.

Please see a doctor and ask about testing for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there that can threaten your life, so please be tested. If you need anti-anxiety or depression meds, or meds to help with sleep, ask about those, too.

If AP (affair partner) is married or has a partner, please inform them. They (OBS - other betrayed spouse) should have the agency to make informed decisions on their life knowing the truth.

If you're having trouble eating, be sure to try to get something down - even protein shakes. Take care of you and give yourself grace at this time.

I am so sorry for you. I was in your exact shoes. I know the pain and devastation you feel.

Counseling was what helped me get through the pain and devastation. It saved my sanity.

An affair is one thing. But being told "I’m divorcing you" upon being told of the affair is like getting hit with the car twice.

Please don’t try to fix things. I wasted months thinking I could turn things around. My CH was not unhappy until he met the OW but he told me he had been "unhappy" for years.

Please trust your attorney as well. You need to be protected from the cheater, who will try to get out of the marriage as quickly as possible AND not trying to be fair to you & kids.

Keep posting here. You will get support and guidance especially when it comes to the cheating behavior.

From all you share I can clearly see this is not what you want, and that you are possibly hoping we can wave some magic wand to help you make it all better...
I’m so sorry. We can’t...

The only way to deal with this type of issue is through reality, and through taking what he’s saying – both directly and indirectly – seriously. The first part of this post deals with the reality, and then I might share what is more in line with the hope you wish for.

Let me start though with the mantra we use here: Their decision to cheat is NEVER due to us. We can be terrible at marriage, but that allows them to demand change, not cheat. So don’t take this as some failure on your behalf. If anyone is flunking spouse 101 it’s him.

It’s a bit like waking up to the smell of smoke in your house to the shrieking of the smoke-detectors. No matter how much you wish there was no fire then chances are there is, and that no matter of reorganizing or moving furniture will change that. You can only decide how to move on once the fire – the crisis – has been dealt with. Only then do you know if the house/marriage is salvageable or not.

My first suggestion would be to ask your attorney if infidelity factors in any way or form IF this goes to divorce, and if so then what sort of proof is required. Chances are it doesn’t but be 100% clear on this. If it does – well... then get the proof required. If not, then skip it.

Be very clear on your rights and have a clear vision of your requirements if this ends in divorce. Be realistic. You won’t get everything. Divorce is this strange mathematical enigma where somehow getting half of what you have seems so much less than having half of what you have now. If you can, then envision your life 2-5 years from now, based on what your attorney suggests is a realistic outcome from a divorce, and then aim at making that the best version of your vision.

Be realistic... Amicable is great, I would never suggest making a divorce harder than it needs to be. But D is a conflict and "amicable" is a bit like the surgeons wearing pastel instead of green scrubs. The goal is that once divorced, you two are great coparents. It’s not that you two are friends and visit for coffee and all that. You wont be interested in his dating life and living accommodations. Envision this scenario: When your 19 year old get’s married at 25, you want him NOT to have to worry that mom and her new friend can’t be in the same room as his dad and his new wife. That is basically the only goal – if this ends in divorce then he becomes a fond memory that no longer impacts your daily life.

The hope part.
Is he depressed? Has he ever been diagnosed as depressed? Any medications?
Some of what you share made me think that might be the case. If so – can you get him to reevaluate his treatment?

What you can do is ask him if he doesn’t think that maybe the years you have and his sons deserve that he gives the marriage a chance. That if he commits to MC and guidance until the younger is 18. Of course, this will require that he ends it with the 36 (and btw- is she married?).
Ask him how he sees divorce. Does he have a suggestion on the next steps.

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Other than that – Listen to leafields. Take care of yourself physically and mentally. Eat. Exercise. Hydrate.
Find a good friend to share the situation with.
Lean on people – these situations are the ones that show you who your true friends are.